The case for sleepovers

For an alternative perspective see here.

Sleepovers: yes or no?

If only it were as simple as that.

From the ages of about 8–14 I enjoyed this treat, with two particular friends. It was an opportunity to experience a different family dynamic, to lie in darkness giggling and chatting, daydreaming, talking about life and exploring what ifs’ of our limited understanding and experience, all without the restrictions of the school day or having parents eavesdropping. My memories are nothing but positive, but it’s not 1970-something anymore; our social mores have changed as has our awareness of the multiple ways in which such extended ‘playdates’ can go horribly wrong.

I would never have experienced the delights of Shrove Tuesday had I not stayed over at my friend’s house

It’s easy to see the pitfalls of sleepovers, but let’s take a moment to focus on their benefits.

Children can experience a measure of independence by being at a friend’s house. They get a taste of how other families operate: mealtimes may be different in time, content and atmosphere. I would never have experienced the delights of Shrove Tuesday had I not stayed over at my friend’s house.

I grew up with two older sisters, so spending time in families with older brothers gave me valuable insight into a different family dynamic. Had I been an only child, even that experience would have felt very different from my own home life; always valuable.

Extended time with close friends in this environment helps with listening and communication skills

Sleepovers widen our children’s horizons as, in a short space of time, they learn to adapt to someone else’s routines and rules. The experience underlines the notion that the way our own family does things is neither the only way of doing them nor, necessarily, the best way either.

Extended time with close friends in this environment helps with listening and communication skills. It provides time to explore emotions with peers, to deepen trust through honest conversations, bond through building shared memories and to unpack core values and beliefs together by appreciating another perspective or cementing foundational truths that will become values throughout later years. It gives space for potential conflict resolution without the intervention of a teacher, which helps stimulate understanding and the benefits of compromise, which are useful skills in the adult world.

To stay away from home overnight means, for some children, practicing something that’s challenging, which encourages resilience

Sleepovers are the natural environment in which to stimulate creativity; playing games, telling stories and playing outside. We spent hours making camps, constructing furniture for our ‘furry houses’ (no dolls in my childhood, but lots of ‘gonks’, trolls and ‘furries’), recording silly plays on cassette tapes (remember those?), riding bikes and laughing until we cried.

Spending uninterrupted time with friends increases our children’s confidence, their problem-solving skills and nurtures empathy as they learn more about their peers outside the school day. To stay away from home overnight means, for some children, practicing something that’s challenging, which encourages resilience and equips them for the bigger challenges to come in life.

You could always start off with a ‘half-sleepover’ so your child enjoys the fun of being at their friend’s house, having tea/supper and changing into pyjamas, cleaning teeth etc, and then is picked up when it’s bedtime.

Read more:

A Parent’s Guide to Safe and Enjoyable Sleepovers

With one child out of the house, you have the opportunity to spend more focused time with their sibling(s) and/or enjoy some quality time with your spouse without the hassle of organising babysitters.

Every parent has to weigh up the balance between protecting our children and exposing them to life beyond our front door. That will look different depending on our own experiences. Do sleepovers initiate a rite of passage or simply disrupt a domestic routine that works? You get to decide.

Perhaps the best way forward, rather than a blanket, ‘No,’ is to arrange a sleepover with families with similar values within your church community. We had an arrangement with one family that we’d always check in with each other before the kids sat down to watch a film. If one of us wasn’t happy with the choice, it was eliminated; no questions asked. In that way we honoured each family and protected our children without damaging our friendship.

always check who’s in charge, who else is going, who else lives there or will be present that day

Even better, perhaps, host the sleepover on your own turf. This has multiple advantages. For a start, you get to know your child’s friends. I found that birthday parties often exposed who was who in the ‘zoo’ in terms of manners and attitudes; who had a more colourful vocabulary and who spoke carelessly in terms of spite or potential bullying. I certainly didn’t wait for a sleepover for that.

In your own home, you can supervise appropriately, curate a midnight feast if you wish – kids always enjoy these – or even change the clocks so your overexcited sleepers enjoy the fun of giggles in their PJs an hour or so earlier than usual bedtime but without the strain of keeping everyone in the house awake all night. If you have multiple guests, then a pile of cushions and sleeping bags or duvets in the living room may be the best bet. Allow for a measure of grumpiness the next morning, initiate a team tidy up before breakfast and keep the doors open at all times. Check that guests have no medical, pet or food allergies too.

If all that sounds like too much hassle, then give it a miss. No pressure.

remember that mischief and mayhem don’t only happen at night time

If your child is invited elsewhere, I recommend that you always check who’s in charge, who else is going, who else lives there or will be present that day (weekend guests often include older siblings/family members). Let’s not be naive; in instances when abuse occurs – and that’s what we’re all fearful of – statistics tell us that it’s usually by a family member or someone known to the victim (true of 93% of abuse victims under the age of 18).

It’s OK to ask questions about TV, screens, alcohol, drugs and curfew. If you are asking these, it’s probably not in your child’s best interests to visit at all, let alone overnight. A child should know they can call you anytime and be fetched. If they’re worried, agree a code word or phrase that will alert you to come (‘I forgot to feed the cat,’ is one I heard recently). You can play ‘what if’ scenarios to help equip your offspring for possible events and be sure to teach body safety and autonomy.

We all know that none of us make our best decisions at midnight. Vulnerability and peer pressure often lead to foolishness and worse but remember that mischief and mayhem don’t only happen at night time.

As parents, we’re all doing the best we can in the light of what we know. Boundaries are vital and although they can be modified over time according to age appropriateness, our bottom line shouldn’t shift. None of us loves our children more than God does. We have a responsibility to keep them as safe physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually as we can.

Remember that when Jesus was twelve, He got lost (Luke 2: 41–52). His parents were unconcerned, assuming He was travelling with the wider family/community. Increasing our circle of trusted, proven adults gives our children increased access to safe places to talk and grow in faith and in life. If ‘it takes a village…’ let’s choose our villagers wisely and keep entrusting our children to God.

For an alternative perspective see here.