8 steps to address generational trauma

Thomas really wanted to help make breakfast. He was 4 and I was just plain tired. I had been up all night with the baby and had just about enough energy to feed him. Whilst my back was turned, he picked up the milk carton and proceeded to pour its contents all over the counter and onto the floor! A scream left my mouth, and my hand went up to hit him. Before my hand connected with his body, I froze and thought “you’re just like dad.” Suddenly, flashbacks of my own childhood flooded my mind, and I remember thinking that this was not what I wanted for my own children. I saw how much of my parenting was inherited, not chosen. And with that awareness came a powerful truth. What’s passed down can also be transformed.

What’s passed down can also be transformed

Research shows we often parent as we were parented, a concept called intergenerational transmission. Studies by Bowlby, Ainsworth, Bandura and others, alongside neuroscience and ACEs research, reveal that trauma can lead to harmful patterns, while warmth and responsiveness are often repeated. Understanding this helps us break cycles and build healthier relationships with our children.

Is there hope for Thomas and others like him? Absolutely. God can heal, restore, and break generational cycles. We don’t have to stay stuck. We can begin a journey toward parenting freedom through his grace.

I was born into a family that has a long line of trauma. Trauma is a word that is used so often nowadays that I feel sometimes its meaning has been lost. Culturally, we might use the word trauma to describe an event that we really didn’t want to do, like take a cold shower. However, Betsy de Thierry, a trauma specialist, describes it as “any experience or repeated experience where the person feels terrified, powerless and overwhelmed, to the extent that it challenges their capacity to cope. It can leave an imprint on the person’s nervous system, emotions, body, behaviours, learning and relationship”.

You cannot heal what you cannot name. Have a look at your family history. What do you think has been passed down?

Sometimes, we can be so used to trauma that our bodies’ response to it can just be felt as normal. For example, digestive complications such as IBS can be an outworking of trauma through our gut-brain axis or a result of our bodies being in a constant chronic state of hypervigilance.

The Bible is full of stories of people who have lived through traumatic circumstances. Tamar was raped by her brother. Hagar was sent to die in the desert as a solo parent with her young son, Ishamel. Joseph was beaten up, stripped, thrown into a pit and sold as a slave by his brothers. Job lost everything, but his faith in God. You don’t have to dig very deep to find stories of pain that were felt by both individuals and also communities. The link to intergenerational transmission of parenting is also evidently clear in places like Kings, where we are told that a new King was as evil as “his father was before”. But the thread of salvation and God’s grace, and his restoration plan for us all is also seen as a golden thread that is woven through the pages of our Bible.

So how do we break the chain of generational harmful parenting? You might find this illustration helpful. Imagine a long line of people all holding hands. Four or five generations in length.

The Great Grandma is bearing the trauma of the impact of having nothing after a world war decimated infrastructure. She wonders why she survived and not her friends. This is compounded by her mum, who is deeply wounded by the death of her husband.

You may not have created the wound, but you can choose not to pass it on

The Grandma is bearing the trauma of being raised in a household that was under the strict rule of her father. Her own mum didn’t have a father and so she has no direct experience of what her role should be next to her husband and so allows the regime to continue in the house.

The mum is bearing the trauma of a divorce. She chose to marry a man like her own father – angry, bitter and violent. Now raising children on her own and trying her best to cover the deep wounds that the trauma has caused in her own life. She now holds her child. With the pain of the generations before her, mingled with her own trauma, she passes the generational parenting batten over.

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But what if the mum stops? What if instead of ignoring the pain, she chooses to face it? What if she seeks help through professional places like counselling, drama therapy, CBT, or parenting courses?

Imagine the picture now. Instead of holding hands with the generations gone before her, she chooses to stand and turn her back on them. Not forgetting the struggles and pain that went before her, but to shield the generations that are coming. To be the generational breaker. The process takes courage, support, and self-compassion, but many people have walked this path and found deep transformation. Here are some steps that can be helpful to take:

1. Acknowledge the trauma - You cannot heal what you cannot name. Have a look at your family history. What do you think has been passed down? Fear, silence, shame, control, anger, people-pleasing. What are you carrying? Divorce, abandonment, shame. Name it.
2. Educate yourself - Knowledge is power. There are some great books that will help deepen your understanding. ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk is a great starting point. There are some great online courses that can help you understand about generational trauma and how to break the cycle.
3. Speak the unspoken - Find trusted people around you and talk about your story. This will probably start with a trusted counsellor, who can help you process your past and give you goals for the future.
4. Work with your body - Trauma isn’t just in your mind, it lives in your nervous system as explained above. There are some wonderful trauma-informed exercise coaches out there like Roar Coaching that will help you release what’s stored physically.
5. Seek healing - Trauma-informed therapy can be really helpful. Look for therapists who understand intergenerational or cultural trauma. Group work can be especially powerful. ParentFuel offers community-built, trauma-informed group sessions that can help dig up some of the roots of generational trauma.
6. Create new patterns - You may not have created the wound, but you can choose not to pass it on. Re-parent yourself with care, Scripture, boundaries, joy, and Christ-centred family connection. Break cycles intentionally.
7. Extend yourself grace - Healing is not linear. You’ll have setbacks, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.
8. Lean on Jesus - Isaiah 58:6 says that the Lord wants to remove the chains that bind people. That excites me. To be able to move into a future that is free of the past and bring up a new generation of people who will love the Lord, chase after him, find his promises and purposes for their own lives. What better legacy than that?

Breaking generational trauma is hard and painful. You may be misunderstood or lose relationships, but God fights for you. His promises are true. With him, freedom isn’t just possible, it’s promised. You were born to turn the page and walk in the freedom he always intended for you.