In a world obsessed with achievement, Ali Campbell argues that families and churches can and should create spaces where every child’s character and passions are celebrated, not just their skills
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” It’s the classic question we ask of children, but it is also a great question to ask adults but I don’t think we are getting the question right - we ask ‘what do you want to be’ when what we mean is, ‘what do you want to do.’
Doing and being can so often get confused. In the film The Help, Abileen Clark tells Mae Mobley, one of the children in her care, ‘you is kind, you is smart, you is important.’ Instilling some values needs to be foundational in creating an environment where our children can flourish in their gifting and talents - know they are loved and that they matter.
Sometimes in the church we value or prioritise the personality of someone over their character
It feels even more important today. I remember loving playing cricket for hours on end in the summer, only finally coming in when we could no longer see the ball or the stumps or each other! Was I great at cricket? It didn’t matter. Yet, today so much of what we prize seems to focus on the ability and skill rather than the enjoyment of a thing. You’ve got to be grade 8 in a musical instrument by the time you are three, otherwise - why bother? If you aren’t in the football team - what is the point of playing?
When it comes to spiritual gifts and talents, are we expecting young people to utter profound prophecies otherwise we don’t consider them to be hearing from God? I hope not! When I do eventually grow up, I want to be more like Jesus. Am I there yet? Nope.
Sometimes in the church we value or prioritise the personality of someone over their character. What they appear able to do over and above who they are. I’ve seen this in youth and children’s ministry - where the ‘loud’ or ‘outgoing’ or ‘always have an answer’ children and young people get picked for stuff, and some young people can drift through their childhood and teens almost anonymously. There is a lot going on as children and young people are growing up - relationships, constant testing at school, the challenges of moving homes, schools, friendship dramas - and in the midst of all that expectations around who they are ‘becoming’.
let’s take a moment to celebrate and love the child or young person in front of us
So, here is my plea - let’s take a moment to celebrate and love the child or young person in front of us. As a parent, I’m going to be biased about my own daughters, who are now 18 and 21. They are both amazing - but what has been a delight is seeing who they are at different stages (and trying, really hard) to not rush them on to what is next. Gifting and talent look different in a 6-year-old and a 16-year-old. A passion can be all consuming and then take a back seat. A gifting can be pursued at A level or be a hobby.
It can be tough to do, but I think it really helps our kids if we hold expectations and hopes lightly - the most delight I’ve had from school reports over the years is the comments about the character of my daughters, their kindness, their thoughtfulness of others. Do I want them to achieve? Yes! Do they have their whole lives to work some of this stuff out - what to prioritise, how to invest their time and energy, what needs to be sacrificed if they get serious about something they want to give their lives to?
We need to create a safe environment where our children can have a go - but it is safe to not be brilliant, not the best
When our children are younger we need to create space for them to choose. As their parents, we are often gatekeepers when it comes to activities, clubs, church or anything else they get to join in with. We need to be careful not to say their ‘no’ for them. Surprisingly, they sometimes need us more as they get older - not to direct, but as that reassuring voice that says, ‘you’ve got this’, ‘I believe in you’.
There is also a difference between creating opportunity and equipping. I struggled to swim for a long time, because - back in the 1970s - I was ‘taught’ to swim by a guy walking along the side of the pool shouting at me and prodding me with a stick if I reached out for the side! I didn’t feel equipped! We need to create a safe environment where our children can have a go - but it is safe to not be brilliant, not the best, a place where learning through failure means they are caught and encouraged.
Read more:
Let faith drive your parenting, not fear
Real life Christian parenting: Chaos, questions and the occasional fake angel
We might have this culture at home, with our own children - as parents, we need to ensure this kind of culture is present in the children’s and youth ministry of our churches, that every child and young person as opportunity to stretch their wings, nudge an activity or chance to do something and knows they are going to be held, encouraged, supported - in all of that, they will begin to discover the passions God has placed in their heart, the gifts they didn’t think they had and the talents they are unaware of - until someone says, ‘hey, you are amazing.’
It is easy to be dazzled by incredible talent and thing - wow, look at them. There is a whole family of incredible musicians, the Kanneh-Masons, seven brothers and sisters - all stars in their own right. Yet, when you read their story, what stands out is their support for one another, they aren’t in competition, they aren’t trying to be better than each other. Who they are as people shines through. Yes, something has been instilled in them from an early age when it comes to music, but their character as young adults, the way they cheer each other on - that is a picture for me of how we should be with our own children, but also how we should be as the intergenerational community of faith.
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