Even when distance, doubt or family challenges make it tough, Becky Sedgwick from Parenting for Faith believes that grandparents have a unique influence that can help the next generation know God’s love
For the last four years, I’ve been delving into the world of Christian grandparenting. It’s been a delightful journey, full of wisdom, laughter and passionate grandparents – but often I’ve detected an undertone of sadness. They long for their grandchildren to have a relationship with God, but don’t quite know how to help.
What I’ve noticed, as my friends have become grandparents, is that they simply fall in love with new grandchildren. And they instinctively want the best for their grandchild – which, for Christian grandparents, will include that child having a relationship with the God who makes such a difference to their lives.
And therein, as Shakespeare said, lies the rub.
A few years ago, researcher Sarah Holmes of Liverpool Hope University asked Christian grandparents about sharing faith with grandchildren. What she discovered was striking. Many grandparents were unsure of what role they were should play in their grandchildren’s spiritual lives. Some lacked confidence in their ability to talk about faith. Others wondered about family boundaries and the difficulties of being far away from each other. Many felt it was hard to see how they could make a difference and felt alone in this.
Grandparents are not powerless. God has a plan for how grandchildren meet and know him
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not on your own. Like me you might look around your church and recognise the silent sadness many Christian grandparents carry. You might know how passionately a grandparent prays for their grandchild, while still feeling confused or powerless in the face of the reality of their family’s life.
There’s good news. Grandparents are not powerless. God has a plan for how grandchildren meet and know him – and regardless of their circumstances, he has a part for grandparents to play.
Every Christian grandparent needs to know these three things. Read them yourself and share them with any you know.
when it comes to sharing faith with grandchildren there can be all sorts of other hurdles to overcome
1. You are more influential than you realise
The Bible tells us that God has a plan for how children (and grandchildren) learn about faith – as Deuteronomy 6 reminds us, it’s in the midst of ordinary family life.
When God first explained this, most grandparents were part of the same family group as their grandchildren, there in the everyday moments, easily chatting and sharing. But today it’s easy to feel that this plan, is out of date. Today most grandparents have challenges of time, distance and family dynamics; and when it comes to sharing faith with grandchildren there can be all sorts of other hurdles to overcome.
So can grandparents still effectively share faith with their grandchildren? The answer’s a resounding ‘yes’. Think back to your own grandparents for a moment. What is it about them that still influences you today? My own grandparents continue to shape me in surprising ways. My grandad’s passion for Sheffield United means they’re still ‘my’ football team. My grandma’s connection to South London gave me an affection for places I barely know. Family traditions and values found their way into my life through the unintentional influence of my grandparents.
Read more:
Grandparents are key to the faith of youth and children
Science backs this up. Karl Pillemer of Cornell University found that as many as nine out of ten teen grandchildren said their grandparents influenced their values and behaviour. And wonderfully, this also extends to spiritual influence. Sociologist Vern Bengtson spent 35 years studying how faith is passed from one generation to the next. He discovered something he had not predicted: regardless of the parents’ faith, grandparents are ‘unexpectedly important’ in the development of their grandchildren’s faith.
In other words, grandparents make a difference. You were shaped by your family, and now you are helping to shape the next generations – including your grandchildren’s.
Truth number one: Simply because you are a grandparent you are spiritually influential in the lives of your grandchildren.
2. Connection is key
There seems to be something special about the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Grandchildren seem to crave connection with their grandparents. Grandparents will often talk about how excited they are to be seeing their grandchildren or be longing for the next get together.
And the power of this is that when we are in a close relationship with someone who loves us and whom we trust, good things follow – vulnerability, acceptance and the willingness to learn from each other. We are ready to be influenced by people we trust and love and are open to learn from their experiences and wisdom. So the closer your connection is to your grandchildren, the better positioned you will be to share all the good things you have with your grandchildren, including the God you love.
But let’s be honest: it’s a lot harder to grow connection with your grandchildren than with your children. There are the almost inevitable challenges of distance, time and for some, faith itself. Your grandchildren’s conversations might be peppered with ideas and words that are new to you, or they are growing up and less keen to spend time with you. You might have adopted, fostered or step-grandchildren, or grandchildren with additional needs. And of course, not every family feels well-connected and relationships can be complicated. But there are ways to proactively grow connection.
Find ways to intentionally and proactively grow connection with your grandchildren
During research for the book Grandparenting for Faith, one grandparent offered this advice: “Make an effort. Put yourself out. Foster their friendships. Be different to their mum and dad. There will be opportunities for you to be a different voice than their mum or dad’s.”
Find ways to intentionally and proactively grow connection with your grandchildren – whether that’s popping a card in the post, indulging shared interests, being curious about their worlds, or simply helping them know you are always there for them. Message them out of the blue, give them ridiculously big hugs, and ask ‘how can I help?’
That unique connection will pave the way for so much more.
Truth number two: God’s designed grandparents and grandchildren to seek connection so that good things can be shared.
3. God knows it isn’t easy
Nearly all the grandparents we talked to as part of our research told us that being a grandparent isn’t easy. While parenting is tough, they said, grandparenting was a whole new ball game. Families can be tricky, people fall ill, tragedy strikes. You might be thousands of miles away or just round the corner but hardly see them. Faith itself can cause problems or even separation. You might be watching your family in pain or struggling with your own frailties and challenges.
He’s set you up to be uniquely connected to your grandchildren, and regardless of your circumstances, he’s able to work with and through you
It can seem hard to imagine that you can help your family meet and know God in whatever situation it is they are facing. But God’s involved in all of it. His design has always been that grandparents are part of how grandchildren meet and know God – and that doesn’t change because your situation is less than ideal. He also knows what you can manage, and he won’t demand more of you than you are capable of. At times your role might just be to pray and ask God for your next step. But be encouraged. Whatever it looks like on the outside, God’s not finished with your family yet. He’s on the case!
Truth number three: being a grandparent is never going to be non-stop roses around the door – but that won’t stop God.
Hold on to those truths. God’s given you influence over your grandchildren, He’s set you up to be uniquely connected to your grandchildren, and regardless of your circumstances, he’s able to work with and through you.
Good news indeed!
Becky Sedgwick is part of the team at Parenting for Faith, and the author of Grandparenting for Faith, and co-host of the Grandparenting for Faith course. She’s also part of the first ever National Christian Grandparenting Conference, to be held this October in Milton Keynes.
