What if there was a way to significantly increase our impact as children, families and youth workers? Becky Sedgwick from Parenting for Faith suggests there is: a simple shift from focussing on kids and teens to focussing on their parents and carers.
Last spring, after a family holiday, my sister Sarah announced she’d be driving home via the motorway. “Oh,” I dismissed. “I’m going via the scenic route.” The truth is, I don’t like motorways, but I do like little country lanes.
But very soon, the road was closed. ”Re-routing” announced my satnav confidently, before directing me in a giant circle back to the same dead-end. My scenic trip turned into a marathon, made worse by the cheery WhatsApp announcing Sarah was home before I’d even got out of Devon.
There were two ways to get to my destination, but only one was efficient – and it reminded me of a lesson I learned as a children and families worker in my local church.
Taking the scenic route
I’d started so enthusiastically. I was good at the job. I really wanted the kids to meet and know Jesus. I planned meticulously assuming each term would segue seamlessly into the next until they effortlessly chose to follow Him.
Did that happen?
No.
The kids often weren’t interested and usually didn’t remember the previous lesson. Sometimes they just weren’t there. Despite little pockets of triumph, two years in I felt defeated. I wasn’t having the impact I longed for.
Then it dawned on me: I’d chosen the scenic route, when I needed to find the motorway.
Kids’ faith grows best when they see it lived out by the family they know and trust.
Influential research from the Theos Think Tank reported that the best predictor of a child growing a lasting faith is their parents and carers. It’s not enough to learn about faith; kids’ faith grows best when they see it lived out by the family they know and trust. The kids knew and trusted me, but I wasn’t there in their everyday lives. I didn’t know them as well as their parents did, nor could I focus on them individually.
In the decade since, the church has embraced the importance of faith at home. We know that parents and carers are better positioned to disciple their kids. But how do we make it work?
The topsy-turvey answer is this: if we want to see children and teens growing a deeper, more rooted faith, we must – as we think, pray and plan – put parents and carers front and centre. This doesn’t mean stopping kids’ ministry – it means constantly asking: how can I encourage and equip their parents and carers in their ordinary everyday life?
Here are three simple ideas to get you started…
1. Prioritise relationships with parents and carers
That can feel like a hard ask if you’re already busy or if you don’t see the parents who drop off at youth group. But it’s worth it. I wasn’t confident about talking to parents. I hadn’t heard what they felt about their kids and faith, questions they had, situations they faced. Making time to get to know them allowed that and enabled me to shape what I did to reflect what they needed spiritually for their kid(s).
Ask yourself: how can I build those relationships? It’s not about taking them all out for coffee and interrogating them, but about opening up conversations, building trust and being there for them. This might mean being in the lobby as parents wait to collect their kids. It could be inviting them in once a term, or chatting in the supermarket. It might be saying, “If you’d like to know more, message me and we’ll catch up.”
2. Let them know they can do it
I think I assumed that the parents and carers at church were confidently discipling at home. Once I thought a little more deeply, I realised I was wrong. Some may honestly think it’s the church’s role to disciple their kids; others might just not feel confident that they can.
God’s designed all this to happen in the middle of ordinary, messy, family life.
Help them see differently. Remind them that they’re already helping their kids learn all sorts of things to help them learn about God. They don’t need to be the perfect Christian parent – they just need to journey alongside their kid and share what they know of God. Tell them God’s designed all this to happen in the middle of ordinary, messy, family life. Drip feed this as the kids leave for their groups on Sunday, explain it on your website, mention it in conversation. And always remind them: you’re not doing it alone. Church is here to encourage, support and equip you.
3. Give them the skills they need
When I became a parent, I didn’t have a plan. I just got on with it. Then I was invited to a parenting course. For the first time in my life, I realised you could parent proactively. I learned skills, like how to get a kid away from the TV without a strop. (For the record, it’s not just turn it off and duck; it’s saying: ”Would you like me to turn it off or would you like to turn it off?” I still use that skill today!)
There are practical parenting skills that will help us spiritually. How to use questions to discover what your kid is thinking. How to model your relationship with God so it inspires them. How to communicate what God’s got to do with their ordinary lives. How to help them grow a 1:1 relationship with God.
Ask parents and carers what they’d like help with. Parents might welcome information on how to encourage kids to read the Bible or a workshop on kids and prayer. Suggest podcasts, websites and apps that might be useful. Run or point them to courses. If you are introducing kids to conversational prayer in Sunday school, give parents a heads-up and offer a quick resume. If parents and carers are present in a service or a toddler group, model skills from the front, like explaining that we can ask God anything and then suggest everyone has a go.
Shifting your focus to parents and carers might feel strange at first – but as you encourage, listen to and equip them with what they need to give their kids a next step with God, you’ll see it’s worth it!
Becky is part of the team at Parenting for Faith, which supports churches with practical approaches and resources to equip parents and carers to help their kids grow a deeper, rooted faith that lasts using just five Key Tools. They have recently launched a training programme for churches called Deeper Rooted Lasting through BRF Online.
