The case against sleepovers

For an alternative view see here.

I know it isn’t a popular parenting opinion, but my husband and I are anti-sleepovers.

We have four young children aged seven, five, three and two, and one of the parenting decisions we’ve made is that our children won’t be sleeping over at friends’ houses. The only exception is close family, such as grandparents. If they had cousins living nearby, they would fall into that category too.

Whenever I mention this decision to people, they sometimes assume it’s because I’m overly anxious, especially those native to the western culture. Maybe there’s a little bit of fear involved. I’ll come back to that. But ultimately, our decision isn’t driven by fear, but by wisdom.

I don’t think sleepovers offer enough benefit to justify the risk. Children don’t need to spend the night somewhere to have fun

The reality is that when children are asleep, they are vulnerable.

During the day, I can meet another parent, spend time with them, and get a sense of who they are. But even then, I don’t truly know everything that happens behind closed doors. I don’t know every person who might come and go from that house. I don’t know older siblings, extended family members, neighbours, or friends who might be around.

Most parents are wonderful people, and most sleepovers probably happen without any problems at all. But parenting isn’t simply about making decisions based on what is likely. It’s also about stewardship.

Read more:

A Parent’s Guide to Safe and Enjoyable Sleepovers

As parents, God has entrusted our children to us. Part of our responsibility is assessing risks and deciding which ones are necessary and which ones aren’t.

And that’s where my second reason comes in: I don’t think sleepovers offer enough benefit to justify the risk. Children don’t need to spend the night somewhere to have fun.

They can have playdates. They can stay late. They can eat pizza, watch movies, build forts, play games, laugh until their stomachs hurt, and create wonderful memories all before bedtime. The actual sleeping part doesn’t seem particularly essential to me.

This perspective was shaped by my own experience. Growing up in the western culture, but in Nigerian households, neither my husband nor I were allowed to attend sleepovers. My parents didn’t give much explanation other than that they didn’t know my friends’ parents well enough.

I remember lying there thinking, “What exactly was the point of staying the night?”

I thought I was missing out as sleepovers were the norm for my friends, and there were many times over years when I argued my case.

Finally, when I was 15, I went to my first sleepover. It was the ideal scenario. My parents knew my best friend’s parents well. We attended the same church. We went to the same school. It was probably the safest sleepover imaginable. It was fun. We chatted, ate lots of snacks, stayed up late, laughed, and had breakfast together the next morning.

But I remember lying there thinking, “What exactly was the point of staying the night?”

Everything fun had already happened. We could have done all the same activities, gone home around 10pm, and slept in our own beds. I generally just felt more comfortable sleeping in my own home.

when I ask myself what my children gain from a sleepover versus what they could potentially lose, the calculation feels straightforward

I realised I hadn’t been missing out on nearly as much as I thought.

Now, as a parent, my hesitations on sleepovers have evolved.

Over the years, I’ve heard countless stories from people I know and people online about things that happened during sleepovers. Stories involving bullying, peer pressure, and exposure to inappropriate content. Situations where children were encouraged to do things they weren’t comfortable with. Even more serious stories involving abuse and assault.

Again, I know these situations don’t happen at every sleepover, but when I ask myself what my children gain from a sleepover versus what they could potentially lose, the calculation feels straightforward.

not every opportunity needs to be embraced simply because it’s common or culturally accepted

I often think about a verse from Philippians that has become increasingly meaningful to me as a parent:

“And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent…” (Philippians 1:9–10).

Parenting requires discernment. I’m not suspicious of everyone around us, but I do pray for wisdom, knowledge, and discernment every day for every aspect of my life, including parenting.

What my parents taught me, and what I hope to pass on to my children, is that not every opportunity needs to be embraced simply because it’s common or culturally accepted.

I don’t think fear is automatically a bad guide if it’s pointing us toward wisdom

Sometimes wisdom asks a different question: Is this necessary? Is this worth it? For our family, the answer has been no.

Of course, our children are still young. At seven and under, the explanation is simple: “We only sleep over at family members’ homes because Mummy and Daddy know those adults well. You can have just as much fun during the day with your friends.”

As they get older, the conversations will become more nuanced. We’ll explain more about safety, boundaries, trust, and stewardship.

Will they like it? Probably not. There may be frustration and moments when they feel left out, but that’s a tricky part of parenting we’ll have to navigate.

I have thought carefully about whether our stance is partly rooted in fear. The honest answer is yes, probably. Every parent carries fears. We deeply care about our children’s safety, wellbeing, and future.

But I don’t think fear is automatically a bad guide if it’s pointing us toward wisdom. If I know there are risks involved and I don’t see a compelling benefit that outweighs them, choosing caution is responsible.

I remember being frustrated as a child after my mum denied my sleepover requests. But now, I thank her for it

My goal isn’t to protect my children from every possible hardship. My goal is to steward them well. At the end of the day, they are God’s precious gift to us. As it says in Psalm 127:3, they are an inheritance and a reward from Him. We have dedicated them back to God. He is their ultimate protector and guide.

I remember being frustrated as a child after my mum denied my sleepover requests. But now, I thank her for it, and I hope that’s what my children will do too.

Ecclesiastes 3 says: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

For me, the time for my next sleepover (outside of family) came in my early twenties. I went on an eight-hour road trip with my best friend from university (very common for students living in the US) and stayed at her parents’ house for almost a week during spring break. By then, I knew her very well and had met her parents a few times before. There was no discomfort and no feeling that this could simply have been a day trip. I was older, a bit wiser, and understood boundaries and what to do if, God forbid, they were crossed. I still have great memories from that trip.

I’m not saying our children will have to wait until they’re in their twenties to experience something similar. But for now, and for the foreseeable future, they can have all the fun, snacks, movies, games, and friendships they want, they just won’t be sleeping over.

For an alternative view see here.