Kate Orson considers why young people deconstruct their faith and walk away and suggests things Christian parents can do to avert it happening in the first place
Do you worry that your teenagers might ‘deconstruct’ their faith as adults? My curiosity in this began after reading a couple of memoirs; Rift: Breaking Free from Christian Patriarchy by Cait West, and Jesus Land by Julia Scheeres. Both authors grew up in families where corporal punishment was used frequently, and there was a high level of control, and authoritarian parenting. West now describes herself as agnostic, and Scheeres identifies as a humanist rather than a believer.
Many of the stories I came across told of traumatic experiences in the church or at home; experiences with people who poorly represented the love of Jesus and taught their children bad theology that misinterprets the Bible in harmful ways. It got me thinking, what can parents do to help prevent the deconstruction process from happening at all? How can we help our children to build their faith on a strong rock, so that when the rains and the flood comes, they will remain believers?
It’s the forcing of faith onto people that often seems to backfire, and lead to rebellion
The freedom to choose
What struck me from reading these stories, was the assumption that their children must believe in God. Yet God gives us free will to choose, so this should be evident in the way we parent. Of course, we want to ‘train up a child in the way they should go,’ but we should acknowledge to our children that ultimately, they have the freedom to choose belief. It’s the forcing of faith onto people that often seems to backfire, and lead to rebellion.
Allow questions
Many deconstructors grew up in a culture where questioning things was seen as doubt, or even as sin. But answering questions truthfully, saying “I don’t know” and searching for the answer if we aren’t sure can help lead our children to faith. It’s important to ensure our children and young people see that we are not afraid of questions and that not knowing the answer is not always the end of the road.
Be discerning about your Church
When a teenager is enthusiastically going to youth group, reading the Bible, and being passionate about their faith, we might think there’s nothing to be concerned about. However, teens may be vulnerable to the influence of movements that can be harmful, and it’s good to be aware without being too fearful.
Sam warns us about the importance of parents using discernment about who is teaching their children
I spoke to Sam Howson; a film maker who started the Sacrosanct YouTube channel to tell his story of abuse by Mike Pilavachi at Soul Survivor. He shared how Pilavachi’s charismatic personality led him to go back to his flat with him: “When you’ve seen someone on stage at that kind of distance, you’ve read their books. When he says, Sam, God’s got calling over your life. Come over to my flat and we’ll talk about it. That’s really compelling as an 18-year-old.’’
Sam warns us about the importance of parents using discernment about who is teaching their children. He says, ‘’when I was a youth worker, I had a huge amount of trust. In some respects, now, I guess if I was a youth worker, I’d almost want parents to you know, take me out for a drink and get to know me a bit.’’
Love people, regardless of sexuality
Many deconstructors cited hateful attitudes towards gay people as one of the reasons for leaving the faith. They identified as gay or had close family or friends that did. I think the Bible is clear that homosexual practice is a sin, but some Christians get caught up in the ‘culture war,’ which isn’t the most effective way to speak truth about this issue. Our faith gets weaponised against us when we focus on the fight of the culture war, rather than speaking truth in love. The culture war can also leave Christians feeling fearful about the culture’s grip on our children. Yet a fearful attitude can lead to control, and manipulation which can backfire.
As our children grow and learn how different worldly ideas about sexuality are from Christian ones, I think it’s important to share the truth with them, but also to emphasise the love Jesus has for everyone.
Read more:
Raising spiritually wise kids means encouraging discernment not just obedience
Rethinking Christian parenting: The book challenging discipline myths in the Church
Be careful of political movements that twist scripture
Many deconstructors in the US grew up with a faith that aligned strongly with the political right. Those who reconstructed with a faith in God, often adopted a faith that aligned strongly with the political left. I was curious about that swing of the pendulum from one side to the other, and I see faults in both sides, who both misinterpret some aspects of scripture to suit political agendas. Many recent deconstructors are finding that Donald Trump’s presidency and MAGA are the final straw that leads them to break away from their faith. As we see a rise in Christian nationalism in the UK, I think we must be careful about these ideas. We need to read the Bible and notice when movements twist scripture to suit their agenda.
We can speak to older children about what we notice going on with the twisting of Christianity, to encourage them to read the Bible for themselves too. That way they are more immune against the threat of being put off Christianity by people who poorly represent it.
A real relationship with God
As I read accounts from people who have lost their faith, I have wondered, did they really believe in the first place, or were they just part of a church? When people have a real experience of God, an authentic relationship with Him it can be hard to deny! Hearing the testimonies of others is also powerful evidence that God is real. Psalm 105:2 says, “tell all of his wonderful acts.” I try to make this something I do in everyday conversation as a family.
Ultimately belief is a matter of the heart. We can’t put all of the blame on outside circumstances if our children choose not to believe, and as much as we’d like to, we can’t control every aspect of their lives. Perhaps above all we must pray that Jesus might knock on our children’s door and that they would be willing to open it.
