Not all challenging behaviour is sin - Kate Orson helps parents untangle childishness from wilful disobedience and discover why connection, empathy, and loving boundaries reflect the heart of Jesus
My dog barks at me when she wants to play fetch and growls when she’s in the mood for affection and I don’t provide it. It can get a little irritating when I’m trying to work from home! We know that only humans are capable of sinning, so what my dog is doing isn’t sinful. So what about when it comes to children?
In the past, pastors and Christian parenting experts have sometimes majorly misunderstood child behaviour. They’ve mistaken a genuine need for attention and connection as selfish, sinful behaviour that needs to be punished. They’ve often labelled any behaviour that irritates the parent as a sin that needs to be stamped out. Even a baby crying to have their needs met has been labelled as a ‘sin.’
just because a behaviour bothers us doesn’t make it a sin
Yet my dog example shows that just because a behaviour bothers us doesn’t make it a sin. Our children rely on us to meet their needs, just as our pets do.
Jesus wept and he overturned tables with anger, yet he never sinned. Emotional expression is not a sin and crying and tantrums are actually healthy expressions of stress and upset that can help to improve a child’s behaviour and prevent sin.
What makes a human different to a dog, is that they are made in the image of God, with a conscience. While a young child won’t consciously understand that what they are doing violates God’s law, they are born with an innate sense of right and wrong.
Misbehaviour in children may be a sin, but with still developing brains, we need to give them grace
While there’s nothing wrong with expressing emotions, sometimes they come out indirectly through sinful behaviour. For example, a toddler who’s struggling with separation anxiety, might start hitting other children at daycare. The arrival of a new sibling might trigger misbehaviour such as throwing toys or pulling the cat’s tail. These behaviours can all be seen as developmentally ‘normal’ and common. Children’s brains are still developing and so they lack the impulse control to stop them. Yet nevertheless, deep down, they have a sense of what is right and wrong.
‘Children obey your parents,’ writes the apostle Paul in Ephesians 6:1. I can remember vividly one evening just after my daughter had learnt to crawl. I got her pyjamas out for bed, and immediately she started to crawl away from me! She was laughing, as we turned it into a game of chase. I was surprised how at such a young age, she was fully conscious of what I wanted to do, and she took great delight in ‘disobeying!’
Was it sin?! At the time I wasn’t a Christian so it didn’t enter into my head. It came naturally to allow her to have fun. It was really sweet and delightful to watch her being a bit ‘cheeky’ while I chased her.
this kind of play, where a child can be a bit ‘naughty’ within the boundaries of a game, is actually an effective way of parenting
Shortly after this, I started training as a parent educator, and I learnt that this kind of play, where a child can be a bit ‘naughty’ within the boundaries of a game, is actually an effective way of parenting. Connection, and laughter between parent and child actually helps children be more co-operative. When children feel good, it’s easier for them to behave well.
Then, my daughter went through a stage where whenever I needed to change my daughter’s nappy and would put her onto her back to change her, she kept flipping over onto all fours. One time I tapped her on her shoulder and playfully said “excuse me.” She laughed, each time and then suddenly flipped over onto her back.
On both occasions, I was struck with surprise at how she knew deep down what I wanted her to do, even though she had difficulty doing it right away. It wasn’t that she was developmentally incapable of understanding, it was just that she needed to connect with me first. Those little moments of play created an environment where she wanted to co-operate.
Sometimes it might feel difficult to untangle; is my child behaving this way out of wilful disobedience, or because they don’t know any better?
A toddler knows deep down that it’s wrong to hit another child or steal their toy when they are happily playing with it. However, with a still developing pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking), they don’t always respond in the most appropriate way, especially when overwhelmed with emotions - as we adults know, it’s hard for us sometimes too!
Misbehaviour in children may be a sin, but with still developing brains, we need to give them grace.
The problem with parenting methods that focus on punishing sin is that children misbehave when they’re struggling with their emotions. Heaping punishment on top can lead to more disconnection between parent and child, more emotional upset - the very things that cause misbehaviour!
There is a narrow path to walk between dismissing all misbehaviour because the child is too young to know any better, (permissive parenting), and harshly punishing sins that are hard for the child to control (authoritarian parenting).
Read more:
Rethinking Christian parenting: The book challenging discipline myths in the Church
Discipline – Getting it right, biblically, legally and practically
Should Christian parents be prepared to smack their children? The case against corporal punishment
Should Christian parents be prepared to smack their children? The case in favour of corporal punishment
An authoritative approach is like a third way; setting firm but loving limits on sin, but also with the loving understanding that it’s not always easy for children to behave well. In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus refers to himself as a doctor, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick” (Matthew 9:12). Jesus saw sin as a sickness; that doesn’t take away our responsibility for our sins as adults, but it does acknowledge that people who sin are struggling and need our help.
Sometimes it might feel difficult to untangle; is my child behaving this way out of wilful disobedience, or because they don’t know any better? I think perhaps we don’t always need to know, but instead focus on the medicine for the sickness, the ways in which we can help our children to feel better. Connection, laughter, attention, listening and empathising with emotional upsets (rather than distracting or trying to ‘fix’ things) are some of the best ways to help children. When they have the freedom to express emotions and needs directly, they are less likely to come out indirectly through behaviour.
This isn’t always easy. As imperfect parents we struggle with our own sin too, but as we learn to respond with empathy and understanding to our child’s struggles, we can pray and be reminded that God forgives us for all of our sins too.
