Instagram’s self-harm alerts are not enough - parents need calm conversation

Social media giant, Instagram, announced recently that it is rolling out a feature for its teen accounts (available for 13–15-year-olds) whereby parents would receive a notification if their child had repeatedly searched for content around self-harm or suicide. Previously, there has been no communication with parents, simply links to external websites for support for the user.

self-harm is a topic that remains shrouded in shame and stigma and conversations around it need to be approached with calm and sensitivity - not panic

Whilst some have hailed this as a step forward in protecting the mental health of young people, others, such as The Molly Russell Foundation, have called it a ‘clumsy’ approach which risks panicking parents that their child might be self-harming without equipping them to respond. It is perhaps a step in the right direction, alerting parents allows them to at least be aware that a conversation is needed, but self-harm is a topic that remains shrouded in shame and stigma and conversations around it need to be approached with calm and sensitivity - not panic.

As a young person in the noughties, Instagram was not a part of my adolescence, but self-harm was and it’s important that whilst we recognise the risks associated with excessive social media use, we aren’t tempted to think that this is a new issue or that social media is solely to blame.

 it’s vital to remember and reassure your child that God can handle our difficult emotions

Adolescence has always been a complex time with its potent mixture of hormones, social pressures and school - but being a teenager today is undoubtedly difficult in a whole new way as they navigate life in the 2020s and state of ‘permacrisis’.

We must first be clear about what self-harm really is and dispel some of the myths that can make it harder for young people to seek help.

What is it?

Self-harm, sometimes known as self-injury, is when someone hurts themselves physically to manage emotional pain. It is not done for attention or fun - but as an expression of feelings that are hard to articulate or explain.

It is not, in and of itself, a mental illness. So, whilst for some it might be a sign of a mental problem like depression - it can also develop as a coping mechanism for difficult life events such as dealing with bullying, family separation or other stressful situations.

Chemically speaking, physical pain is distracting, our brains will always focus on physical pain, and that can provide temporary relief from racing thoughts or worries

On the surface, it might be hard to understand how hurting oneself could ‘help’, but it’s important to recognise that whilst it’s not a healthy coping mechanism, it does serve a function. It might be that it enables a young person to feel in control when life around them feels out of control, it can interrupt feeling numb, change invisible pain into something visible or be used as a way to punish. Chemically speaking, physical pain is distracting, our brains will always focus on physical pain, and that can provide temporary relief from racing thoughts or worries.

Whilst they are often grouped together and whilst prior self-harm can indicate a higher rate of suicide later, self-harm is distinct from suicide. For many people, me included, self-harm was a way to stay alive - not a way to end my life, and it was important for those around me to understand that when I harmed myself, I was trying to live (as confusing as that sounds).

How can we help?

It’s important to have an open and honest conversation about self-harm. To begin with, ensure that you are as calm as possible. This might mean that you need to talk to someone to get your own feelings out before you speak to your child. Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions such as “do you ever hurt yourself?” and most importantly, listen.

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So often, especially for young people, we only listen so that we can reply, and in doing so we actually miss what they’re trying to tell us. Here’s some tips to help you if your child or teenager is self-harming:

• Allow your young person to use their own words when talking about self-harm or how they’re coping.
• Don’t interrupt them as they speak but do ask clarifying questions.
• Reassure them that they’re not in trouble and you’re not cross with them.
• Give them as much control as possible about who is told and what help is accessed; for example, let them know that you’d like to get someone to support them but give them the option as to whether it’s through school, church or the GP.
• Don’t ask or tell your child to stop self-harming, as difficult as this may be, all this does is ensure that they don’t tell you if they’ve harmed themselves and can add further shame.
• It might be helpful to think of some alternatives to self-harm together; these can include colouring, scratch art, exercise, talking, going for a walk or journalling.
• Reassure them that nothing they do can separate them from your love -or the love of God.

Read more:

Why do we struggle to face the reality of self-harm?

Responding to suicidal thoughts with hope - thoughts for Christian parents

How Christian parents can boost the well-being of their children through the food they eat

Discovering that your child self-harms is often a really frightening time, and it’s important that you’re able to care for yourself during this time, too. This might mean seeking out professional support or reaching out to organisations such as Papyrus.

It can also have a real impact on your faith and the faith of your child, but it’s vital to remember and reassure your child that God can handle our difficult emotions. He cares for our mental and emotional health and doesn’t reject us when we’re struggling. As it says in Isaiah 42.3 “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness, he will bring forth justice.” There is nothing that we can bring before God that will make Him reject us - He is unfailingly kind and gentle with us - especially when we are at our most fragile.