True friendship, not quick fixes, is what new mums need most. Rachael Newham suggests how we can offer presence, practical help, and the love of Jesus when motherhood feels overwhelming
Last week was Maternal Mental Health Week, a time to focus in on how we can care for the mental health of mums during the periods of pregnancy, postnatal and beyond.
Maternal mental health goes way beyond ‘baby blues’ - suicide remains the leading cause of death for a woman during pregnancy and the first year of motherhood, whilst postnatal depression is estimated to effect between 10-15% of mothers.
New motherhood can be a really tough time and not just physically, but if we’re knee-deep in our own parenting, it’s hard to know how to help those around us.
We aren’t meant to fix people’s mental health problems - and we can’t - but we can demonstrate friendship
But as someone who’s lived with mental illness for the entirety of my motherhood to varying degrees of severity, some things can be life-saving and life-giving.
At the heart of our response has to be friendship. We aren’t meant to fix people’s mental health problems - and we can’t - but we can demonstrate friendship.
All too often our view of friendship is too narrow, it’s about who we ‘click’ with rather than something we offer. And yet in those long days of pregnancy and early motherhood, friendship is exactly what is needed - especially when there are struggles with mental health.
It’s the kind of friendship that is demonstrated in the gospels, and perhaps the best example is the men who lowered their paralysed friend through the roof of a house Jesus was in, just to get him close.
one of the most important things we can do is to ask how new mums are and wait for the answer
It would have been hot work, carrying their friend on the stretcher to the roof and then digging through to reach Jesus but they were determined to break down the barrier that blocked their friend from the Saviour. - This is a role that we too can play, not healing or fixing, but by clearing the way to experience Jesus’ love and kindness.
Practically speaking, one of the most important things we can do is to ask how new mums are and wait for the answer, listening to what they want to say rather than just what we expect or want to hear.
In order to offer support that is sustainable and won’t adversely affect our own mental health, it can be useful to have an idea of the help that you are able to offer and give a few options they can pick from. This might be dropping a meal around once a week or organising a meal rota (perhaps a weekly one that lasts longer than the traditional daily one.) You might be in a position to have older children for playdates or accompany them to toddler groups - offer what you’re comfortable with.
Part of our job is to remind them that they aren’t defined by their struggle or their new role - but by their belovedness
For someone struggling with their mental health, especially in early motherhood, it might be that they feel they’ve lost themselves and any other identities they held dear. Part of our job is to remind them that they aren’t defined by their struggle or their new role - but by their belovedness. Call them by their name rather than just referring to them as “mum” and point them towards the value they have as a part of God’s creation, not to mention what they mean to you as a friend.
Be mindful of how you can help. We wouldn’t try to fix someone’s tonsillitis, and so we shouldn’t try to fix their mental health condition. Suggesting diagnoses might feel helpful, but it’s best to encourage them to seek professional help. It might be that offering company or a lift to appointments to chaperone or advocate for them is what’s needed, as it can sometimes be difficult to remember all the important points when you’re in them alone.
Read more:
Real life Christian parenting: Chaos, questions and the occasional fake angel
Oftentimes, finding Jesus in the darkness can feel like an impossible task, it might be that praying or being in church services feels overwhelming and their usual ways of connection with God feel lost to them. To help out, offer to pray for them if they don’t feel able, or if they’re struggling with sermons, find out beforehand what the focus is so they can be prepared and offer to sit with them.
Being a friend in the face of mental illness isn’t always easy, but offering friendship is a lifeline, and the simplest of things might just make the difference to make the darkest days a little easier to navigate.
