4 ways the church can support sleep deprived parents

If you have been following the news during recent weeks, you may have noticed headlines emerging regarding self proclaimed baby sleep ‘experts’ giving dangerous and potentially life threatening advice to desperate, sleep deprived parents who have paid hundreds of pounds for their help. 

If you have never lived with a newborn, chances are you know someone who has. You can spot them a mile away. There is a particular type of exhaustion evident on their faces and in their posture. (Unless you happened to raise one of those ‘unicorn’ babies who slept through from day one.) Regardless, as magical and beautiful as those first few months of a child’s life are, they are often marred by fatigue and fuelled by survival instinct.

My husband and I have two children. We (I) initially wanted six but they slept so badly we changed our minds! I am joking, other circumstances impacted our decision. However, they did sleep terribly. My son came into the world through a dramatic emergency c-section after he became entangled in his umbilical cord. I woke up after surgery and had never before experienced pain like it. I felt as though I’d been mowed down by a double decker bus. I could barely move, let alone lift my fairly hefty new baby.

It is in this desperation that new parents often turn to either poor practices or dangerous advice for help

On multiple occasions whilst I was in hospital, I would be holding my son after he had finished feeding and a nurse would instantly swoop in, take him out of my arms and place him on his back at the bottom of the clear, plastic cot. He would instantly wake up screaming and I couldn’t lift him to comfort him. And so the cycle began… FEED, DETACH, PLACE IN COT, WAKE UP AND SCREAM. Over and over again.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I completely understand why the nurses did this, they were simply following NHS best practice.

The ‘Back To Sleep’ Campaign was launched in December 1991 in the UK by the Department of Health, following groundbreaking research that proved that placing a child on their front to sleep significantly increased the chances of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, previously referred to as ‘cot death’). According to the Lullaby Trust, the rate of SIDS has dropped dramatically by 80% since the start of the campaign.

So what are the NHS safer sleep guidelines? (See website for full guidelines)

• Always place your baby on their back to sleep in the feet-to-foot position – this means with their feet at the bottom of the cot, Moses basket or pram
• Move your baby onto their back if they roll (until they can roll onto their front and back again by themselves)
• Place your baby in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for every sleep for at least the first 6 months
• Use a firm, flat mattress
• Keep your baby’s cot clear of anything that could cover their face and head – do not use pillows, duvets, cot bumpers, loose blankets, soft toys or anything to keep your baby in place, like pods or nests
• Breastfeed your baby if you can – breastmilk protects your baby from infections and diseases

Read more:

Sweet dreams - Sleep is foundational for the mental and spiritual health of youth and children

I cannot begin to imagine the pain and devastation experienced by those who wake up to find that their baby has died. Thank God for this research that has saved so many lives.

However, in my own experience, these guidelines were not delivered to us with the kindness and compassion that struggling new parents often need. In our Westernised society, we often lack the community that many new parents are surrounded by in other parts of the world. We know the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” But what about when that village lives 4 hours away and you haven’t slept for longer than two hours at a time for weeks on end?

We know that the season of parenting newborns does not last forever, our beautiful babies will soon become men and women

It is in this desperation that new parents often turn to either poor practices or dangerous advice for help. Our son simply would not be put in his cot and I am somewhat ashamed to admit that we ended up unsafely co-sleeping (bed-sharing) with him until we happened to stumble upon the information that taught us how to co-sleep safely. Thankfully, co-sleeping guidelines are being made widely available to people now through both the NHS and Lullaby Trust. Of course, if your baby will be laid in their own cot near you, then please do it. Research suggests this is the safest course of action. But if, like us, your babies will refuse to sleep that way, follow the guidelines for co-sleeping safely and know in which situations that should be completely avoided.

What does this have to do with the church?

In our often ‘isolated’ society that prides itself on independence, does it not seem that the Church could be the very community that new parents desperately need? In Galatians 6:2 we are called to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way fulfil the law of Christ.”

I spoke this week with some new parents from church and asked them how the church had helped them feel supported after the birth of their first daughter.

I would love to share just some of those with you that might prompt discussions about strategies we could look to implement in our churches to both practically and spiritually support new parents in our congregations:

1. Start a ‘food train’ - A food train is simply different people preparing and dropping off a meal each day to ease the burden. Having a group on ‘standby’ makes it easier to organise and can also be used to bless and support those experiencing other difficulties such as bereavement and illness.
2. Don’t create unnecessary pressure to come back to church sooner - We all love the moment a new baby comes through the church doors. However, it can take weeks or even months for parents to feel they are in a position to attend church. How about making sure the service can be accessed online?
3. Offers to help - Offering (not demanding) to clean, to bring around cake or coffee (preferably both!), offering to hold the baby whilst the parents sleep can all be so appreciated.
4. Encouragement and prayer - I’m sorry, but nobody wants to hear how well your babies slept no matter how well intentioned. When parents are already feeling vulnerable, this only serves to exacerbate feelings of guilt. Instead, offer encouragement about how well they are doing. Pray for them. Point them in the direction of professionals if help is needed for suspected medical issues.

My encouragement is that as churches we would start, as we always should, with prayer and listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit. What would He have us do?

Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us that ‘There is a time for a everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.’ We know that the season of parenting newborns does not last forever, our beautiful babies will soon become men and women. But how blessed are we as the Church to stand with and serve those through this season of life?