In the first of his series on parenting styles, Robin Barfield challenges Christian parents to consider when we need to let our children struggle
If you could describe your parenting as a picture, what would it be? A helicopter always circling around; a bulldozer flattening everything in your path; a gardener, carefully nurturing tender stems?
A few years ago, an argument brewed in the US after teachers described parents as lawnmowers – mowing down any possible problems that their child might face. Like a lawnmower which clears everything in its way – weeds, thistles, dandelions – to make a straight path, so a parent makes sure that their child can access every possible advantage in life.
when did you last step in to help your child? Did you need to? What is guiding your heart when you do so? Perhaps there is something more important than giving your child the easiest life experiences?
Perhaps you can imagine the parent whose child is given some tricky homework. Instead of waiting until their child struggled and then giving them time to resolve their struggles themselves, they step in and finish their child’s homework for them. Or they work hard to set up work experience for their child or push for their child to be given a job at a certain company. Or they make sure that they are that kind of parent when the football team is chosen!
As I reflected on my own parenting, I realised that I could see this desire in me – no-one wants to see their child struggle or face difficulty, but (to mix metaphors) if a tree experiences no wind, then it never grows to be strong. I know as a parent that its good for my child to face challenges until they find a way through them, but it can be so hard to watch. Our hearts want to protect our children, but our heads say that they need to learn.
It’s so important that they learn to face hardship for the times when we’re not there
It made me reflect that perhaps I wasn’t trusting God when I step in like this. God is a God who cares for my child so much better than I can. Wow! God is a better parent than me. I can trust him, even when my children are facing challenges. God is not always a lawnmower Father – there are times when he steps in, but more often he walks through the valley with us (Psalm 23:4). It is good for me to learn not to be a lawnmower like my Father in heaven.
It’s also good for my children that I learn not to be a lawnmower. It’s so important that they learn to face hardship for the times when we’re not there: they will learn how to solve problems, how to stay calm, how to resolve conflict, how to keep trying, which they will never learn if we step in all the time. But more than that, there is a spiritual element here: God is always present with us, and this can be part of learning to trust him. Walking with God through failure is part of discipleship. Learning that our weaknesses are for his glory is a strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). Learning to have joy in these trials is a hard lesson (James 1:2-4).
Read more:
What’s your parenting style: Are you a dry-clean parent?
If you think your parenting is less than perfect, it’s OK. God is there to help
While dependence is part of the gift of being a child, we need to help them learn to depend on the Lord more and less on us. There is a humility in letting go, in allowing our children to fall and then pick themselves back up again.
I remember a time when one of my children was having difficulties with a friend at school. Not bullying, that’s a time to step in, just difficulties. It took every ounce of my being not to do something. Not to say something to the other child, not to speak to the parents, not to warn my child what was going on. It was so difficult because I could see how hard it was, and I had to use all the self-control I had. But they had to work it out for themselves that perhaps this person wasn’t being a great friend. They had to learn the wisdom of when to step back from a friendship.
It takes wisdom, though, doesn’t it? Wisdom to know when they really need you and wisdom to know when you can let them fall. That all depends on the situation, the child, and their age. As they get older the need to lawnmower will become less and less. I remember one of my children wanting to go out in a t-shirt and shorts in -3C. The age they were at, there was no point stepping in. I had to let them make their mistakes and pick up the pieces later. But if they had been younger, then I would have been neglectful to allow them out. The good news is that God is the giver of wisdom (James 1:5).
Let me ask you to reflect – when did you last step in to help your child? Did you need to? What is guiding your heart when you do so? Perhaps there is something more important than giving your child the easiest life experiences?
