In the second of our series on parenting styles Robin Barfield asks if we’re tempted to drop off our kids in youth and children’s ministry like we do our dry cleaning and gently encourages Christian parents to keep some things ‘in house’
One of the features of modern life is that we have learned to outsource. I can no longer fix my car, my computer, or my dishwasher—and I know I cannot ‘fix’ my children! These things are tremendously complex, and I am more likely to do harm than good if I tinker. The solution for the first three is to take them to an expert who understands them and can do something about it. I can rest assured that the mechanic at the garage can sort out my brakes, my suspension, and my tyres, and get me safely back on the road. I even have an expert in dishwashers called Geoff, who I occasionally call around. He sucks through his teeth, then gets on with the job and charges me next to nothing.
God gives us the responsibility for the spiritual wellbeing of our children, and that is not something we can outsource
Is the same true for our children? After all, we outsource their physical health to doctors and hospitals—not to mention sports clubs. Most of us outsource their educational development to schools and let them get on with it. What about their spiritual health? Is that something we outsource too?
This model of “dry-clean parenting” uses that same image of outsourcing: we take our dirty coats to the local shop, drop them off for a fee, and when we return a few hours later, all the dirt is gone and they are ready to be paraded in public again. Is this how we should parent, too? Incidentally, I researched how dry-cleaning works for this article. Apparently, they use a petroleum-based solvent—so it’s not dry at all! But there you go.
Read more parenting styles
Letting go to let them grow: Christian parenting without mowing down every obstacle
The idea is clear: as parents, we outsource the spiritual wellbeing of our children to the church. It may be the kids’ groups, the youth groups, or additional activities, but the hope is that these will magically scrub up our children so that they leave home at 18 well discipled and keen Christians. I have even known parents leave churches because the children and youth ministries were not up to scratch.
Part of me is sympathetic to this—a Christian peer group is such an important part of making the Christian faith plausible. Seeing that my children have a couple of Christian friends who can encourage each other is important. But there are two significant elements missing here: the church and the family.
Deuteronomy 6 speaks of one generation teaching the next of the great acts of the Lord:
“You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” (v7, ESV)
There is a clear expectation that this is not just something that happens in the youth group! It is a family pattern that occurs with the support of the wider community.
Repeatedly, research has shown that the conversations that occur in families are critical to setting the environment for faith to flourish. Those times as we eat together, walk together, and drive together are vital. Recently, in our family, we ended up having quite an emotional discussion around whether someone had just made up the Bible. One of my children had heard at school that there was no evidence for the resurrection, and we had to work through it. These are precious moments, and it’s vital that our children feel able to raise them.
Read more on handling awkward questions
Make your home the safest space for the biggest conversations with your youth and children
Why is there so much pain in the world? Why doesn’t God stop it?
Will there be toilets in heaven?
And the support of the wider community matters too—having spiritual aunts and uncles to whom they can also take these questions. Plugging them in beyond the programmes and events that the church runs for their age group really matters.
For many of us in smaller churches, we know this. But this is not just a mega-church issue; this is a heart issue and an intention issue. Can we be parents who take a spiritual interest in our children—what they are asking, considering, and wondering? There are many resources that will help you open the Bible, pray, or just start these conversations with your children.
God gives us the responsibility for the spiritual wellbeing of our children, and that is not something we can outsource. But wonderfully, we have the support of our Christian community to help us do it!
