Lucy Ryecroft believes that Christian parents need churches where families feel loved, not judged, because real discipleship starts with belonging and grace
For an alternative view see here.
Our children were four and two when we moved to our current church twelve years ago.
My husband, as vicar, was leading and preaching most weeks. But it turned out that I needed to step up too. Our previous large church had afforded me the luxury of stepping back from leading worship while my kids were small. The new church, of around 40-50 congregants (mainly over 50), could not. It was all hands-on deck.
Cue many weeks when we were both involved in the service. At best, we were tag-teaming. At worst, our kids were feral - entertaining themselves whilst their parents were both involved in the service.
not once did a church member tell us to keep our kids under control
Fast-forward 12 years, and our church has tripled in size, with a thriving children’s and youth ministry, and a paid children’s and families lead. Those two small kids are now teens who were recently baptised. Funnily enough, they don’t run around church anymore. Their younger brothers are growing up in a church full of others their age.
How do you get from one to the other?
It’s a story of gratitude I regularly tell church members old and new. Because I think it really hinges on this: not once did a church member tell us to keep our kids under control.
Our kids were often running around and/or being noisy
And they could have done. They’d have been well within their rights. Our kids were often running around and/or being noisy. But they were also the only regular children in our church - and this extraordinary congregation, many of them in their 70s and 80s, loved having children in their church again. Many had raised their own children here, and they’d truly missed the life and joy they bring.
We did our bit too. We made every effort to love our new church family. We invited them for Sunday lunch in our chaotic family home. We took time to get to know people, to have conversation, to discover their passions.
Read more:
A sense of belonging to the local church is vital for our kids’ discipleship
5 steps parents can take to make church work for children with trauma
But time and time again, we realised that we’d struck gold with these wonderful, godly, white-haired folk. They might have been fed a mixed diet over the years when it came to Bible teaching, but they knew how to love, and they knew the importance of all ages worshipping together. They were encouraged by the presence of a young family - and we, too, were encouraged by theirs.
So, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this church, which welcomed and loved our crazy children 12 years ago, now sees lots of families of all shapes and sizes coming through its doors. Single parents. Grandparents. Kids with neurodiversities. Kids with trauma. All are welcome. All are loved.
As families feel a sense of belonging in their church community, they relax enough to be able to grow as believing Christians
When we talk about children in church, I feel we often miss the mark. We tend to focus on behaviour, expectations, boundaries - and while there is a place for these conversations, the real questions we need to be asking are:
- How can church be a helpful place for our children’s discipleship?
- How can children find their purpose within a church community?
In other words - what can the church do for our children, and what can our children do for the church?
How can church be a helpful place for our children’s discipleship?
We’ll often quote ‘belong, believe, behave’ to describe the order of events in someone’s faith journey.
But when it comes to families, we expect the behaviour to come first. It’s an expectation we need to shake off.
As families feel a sense of belonging in their church community, they relax enough to be able to grow as believing Christians. When this happens, they’re likely to play a more active role in their child’s discipleship: involving them in the songs, explaining what’s going on, or answering questions - in other words, behaving. That order is important.
The more a child engages in church, the more church becomes a helpful place for the child’s discipleship
It’s also important to clarify that when I say ‘behaving’, what I really mean is ‘engaging’, because this is the ‘behaviour’ we want to see (from everyone, not just children) in church. Put a child on a tablet all service and you won’t hear a peep from them. But is this any better than a child who is racing around the church? No. In fact, I’d argue it’s worse - at least the child doing the running is aware of what’s happening in the service.
The more a child engages in church, the more church becomes a helpful place for the child’s discipleship - a key ingredient in their journey of faith. So, we have answered the first question. What about the second?
How can children find their purpose within a church community?
When children feel valued in church, they will know they have something important to contribute. It helps if you can model this with older children and teenagers visibly serving in church, but even if you’re growing your children’s ministry - as we were - it’s possible.
We were deeply intentional about encouraging our very oldest children - 11-12 years old at the time - into different areas of ministry. They’re still serving now. Two siblings serve refreshments with their parents. Two girls are on the reading rota, and the oldest (now 16) has started to co-lead services. My own kids play in the worship band. Several teenagers help younger children lead action songs. No one makes a big deal of it (although we are quick to praise and encourage). All-age involvement is just a natural part of church life.
Who are we to believe that how a child behaves in church is more important than how welcome, loved and included their family feels when they’re there?
When our children grow up in a church which loves them, teaches them and models the family of God to them, they will more easily find their own role within it.
It might feel sacrificial to have a particularly ‘disruptive’ child in church (however you choose to define that) but, for most children, that phase will pass. And when it does - will that child still be part of your church community? If they’ve been welcomed and valued, yes. If the adult who brings them feels like they’ve been judged or criticised, then probably no.
What do we want for our children? That they come to know Jesus. Paul reminds us, in Romans 14:13, “not to put any stumbling-block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister”. Who are we to believe that how a child behaves in church is more important than how welcome, loved and included their family feels when they’re there?
But what are children actually getting from the service!?
To this I would initially answer: we rarely know when children are engaging. A child can be sitting calmly, looking like they’re engaged, with their mind in a totally different place. And a child can be running around the church, seemingly entirely disengaged, but then come up with the most awesome statement or question based on the teaching of the service (I’ve seen this happen many times).
If we really want children to meet and know God, developing a lasting faith that travels with them into adulthood, we may need to bite our tongue in the early years
The second part of my answer would be that discipleship is, primarily, the parent/carer’s responsibility. Church is here to support them. We can model what engaging in a service looks like, explain to families what’s happening at different points in the service, and answer questions when they arise. As a stressed-out parent becomes more relaxed in the church environment, knowing that we are here to support rather than judge, these kinds of discipleship opportunities happen more naturally, more readily and more often. Again, I have seen this happen - but it starts with reassuring the family that they are loved and wanted.
If we really want children to meet and know God, developing a lasting faith that travels with them into adulthood, we may need to bite our tongue in the early years, supporting parents rather than condemning. We rarely know what’s been going on in that child or family’s life before they rock up at church. Let’s be kind and get to know families - we’ll then discover how to support their discipleship in the best possible way.
