Why listening matters most when kids struggle

What had happened to her lovely boy?

Rachel’s photo memories seemed to taunt her, showing a life she no longer recognised: a happy little lad in striped shorts, amazingly good at crazy golf, full of facts about dinosaurs beaming at her from behind a dripping ice cream.

Her son, Ollie, came home from school these days permanently grumpy, doors slammed, food picked over, losing it at the slightest irritation. The school told her he was doing “fine”. He said everything was “fine.”

Fine – how she hated that word. Nothing felt fine.

Ollie started to talk. Rachel didn’t interrupt, dismiss, or try to fix or solve. She listened

Rachel is a mum in your church, feeling like a failure. Her child behaves beautifully at school and in your kids club but explodes at home. She feels like she must be doing everything wrong but is too embarrassed to mention it at home group. She prays desperately for a breakthrough, longing to see Oliver’s smile again.

A friend forwarded her a podcast, where other Christian parents were talking about their child being “fine” at school and exploding at home. Rachel’s tears streamed as she listened on the walk home. She felt like they were talking directly to her. “Behaviour is communication” they said. “You get the mess because you are his safe place. Be curious, give the feelings a name and pray.”

So that dinner time, Rachel prepared his favourite orange pasta and she added some garlic bread as a treat.

Oliver exploded, “Why is this here? I don’t want it. I can’t eat this now.”

Rachel is the safe place her son needs

Rachel swallowed down the hurt, prayed an arrow prayer and calmly went for it.

“Ollie, I think you’ve had to hold it in all day today and now you’ve had enough. I think you’re angry and exhausted. Tell me what’s so hard. Do you think you know? Is it other kids? School work? Or something else?”

Long Silence. She held her breath and her nerve. Then came his honest reply.

“Everyone else just knows what to do.”

Ollie started to talk. Rachel didn’t interrupt, dismiss, or try to fix or solve. She listened. She wanted to understand, so she put her phone away and gave her full attention, believing him, understanding him, being his safe place.

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She hugged him tightly, told him she loved him and prayed for him.

Rachel is the safe place her son needs. Her church is the safe place Rachel needs, where she gradually feels more able to talk and to open up to others. In turn, Rachel can be part of a culture shift in her church so parenting is no longer competitive but supportive – a wider family that leans in.

Children need parents who can listen, then believe, then understand.

Remarkably few parents make time to listen. A senior child psychologist told us recently about a poll he did of the 150 young people being cared for by his department. Each young person had a regular 45 minute appointment, sat in an office, as one of the clinical professionals asked questions and listened carefully to their answers. These young people were asked whether they had another adult in their life who they felt they could ask to sit with them in a similar way for 45 minutes to listen to them. Only five said they did.

not enough of the young people in your church feel like they have someone who will listen to them

These 150 young people were experiencing a chronic mental health situation in need of high level professional help. Perhaps this straw poll is not reflective of the young people’s experience in your church. But I can tell you with some certainty that not enough of the young people in your church feel like they have someone who will listen to them.

Psalm 57 tells us of the day David felt like he was surrounded by lions with razor sharp teeth,

“…men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.” Psalm 57:4

Many children and young people face moments when they feel this way, surrounded by cruel words, taunting, the pressure to fit in and navigate a world that seems so complicated with pressure dialled up by social media.

As Christian parents we can help our children understand and feel the consistency of God’s care for them as we care for them, as we listen more than we speak

Our children need a safe place to turn, just like David did: Someone to talk to, someone who will listen, someone with time for them, a way to feel secure even in troubled times. We can offer them the same help that David held onto, that meant he was able to say..

“My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast.” Psalm 57:7

David’s place of safety was found in God’s faithful love for him. As Christian parents we can help our children understand and feel the consistency of God’s care for them as we care for them, as we listen more than we speak, as we get alongside, explore emotions and pray together to the heavenly Father who loves, helps and is with us when no one else can be.

Parents need support and to be built up in confidence to make that happen. Churches can wrap around a family and offer them encouragement and truth to cling to. Faith in Kids wants to support this partnership. Our Looking to God resources were produced in response to church leaders and parents wanting help with tackling mental health and well-being. They are designed to support conversations across church and home life.

We want to help ensure that the truth taught at church on Sunday lands in the family home on Wednesday

We have produced four episodes in this series on our Faith in Parents podcast, that speaks about the Christian distinctive, giving parents practical help and encouraging honest conversations to happen in church. There are also four accompanying episodes on our Faith in families podcast that helps conversations on the same topics happen at home. We know that parents are the key influencers for faith in the lives of their children, they are the ones who are there when the door slams and the tears arrive. We want to help ensure that the truth taught at church on Sunday lands in the family home on Wednesday, and the family car journey on Saturday.

David was able to cry out to God in his time of difficulty. He was able to say,

“God sends forth his love and faithfulness.” Psalm 57:3

Our prayer is that mums like Rachel and sons like Ollie would be able to know God’s love and faithfulness to them in the middle of their struggles.

For more on this topic head to “Looking to God – Mental wellbeing in the Psalms” from Faith in Kids