Before you talk to your children about gender and sexuality, build a Christian worldview

There are some conversations that most parents dread. My hunch is that conversations about sexuality and gender are pretty high on that list. And I get it – they’re conversations about topics which are complex and controversial. We’re worried about how to be both faithful to what God says and loving towards people. We’re worried about keeping things age-appropriate and being sensitive to the developmental stage of our children 

But we need to accept that they’re conversations we can’t avoid. Our children are going to hear things about sexuality and gender whether we like it or not, and given that’s the case, it’s even more important that they feel safe to talk with us about them and that we communicate God’s perspective to them.

having Christian worldview foundations was one of the things that helped me navigate my own questions around sexuality

Maybe you dread these conversations. Well, let me give you a tip I think can really help: think about worldview foundations, the deeper, foundational beliefs we hold about God, people and the world. For all of us, our perspectives on sexuality and gender are rooted in and flow from those deeper, foundational beliefs.

One of the best ways we can equip our children to get God’s perspective on big topics like sexuality and gender is to help them lay Christian worldview foundations. I’m convinced that having Christian worldview foundations was one of the things that helped me navigate my own questions around sexuality when I became aware of my same-sex attraction as a teenager.

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We can lay these foundations from the youngest ages, way before we ever talk about sexuality and gender. With older children and teenagers, we can draw these foundations into the conversation as we talk about these tricky topics.

Whatever age your children are, worldview foundations can help you. Let me show you how that could work with just two worldview foundations.

Origins: How did you come into existence?

Our view on origins changes everything. If we are merely the result of millions of years of genetic mutation, there is no plan or purpose in anything, including our bodies. Bodies that are the result of random chance can’t tell us anything about how to live (ethics) or who we are (identity).

But if we are the result of the creative activity of a good God, that changes everything. It doesn’t particularly matter how God created us (Christians can and do debate that), but the fact that he did matters hugely. If all that exists is the result of God’s deliberate creative activity, there can be purpose and plan in the way things are, including our bodies. Bodies created by God can teach us about how to live (ethics) and about who we are (identity).

As one example, this matters significantly when we think about gender. If our bodies are just the result of random chance, there’s no reason to see any significance in the difference between male and female bodies.

I can embrace how I am, because I have a body created by God that tells me who I am

But if God created our bodies, there is huge significance. The fact I have a male body, means God’s made me a man regardless of how I feel, what I like, or what other people think. That’s a wonderfully freeing truth. I can be a man who doesn’t like football or beer or a boy who loves craft and teddies (as I was!) and it doesn’t change or call into question who I am. I can embrace how I am, because I have a body created by God that tells me who I am.

We can help even our youngest children begin to understand God as creator by making a regular practice of thanking God together for the things he has made. We can celebrate the goodness of our bodies, and the gift of being a boy or a girl, by talking about the amazing things our bodies enable us to do and what we love about being a boy or a girl. With older children and teenagers, we can get them thinking about the idea that a creator knows what’s best for creatures they create and that a creator can tell their creation who they are.

Identity: How do you find who you are?

Our children and young people grow up hearing the message that they are who they feel are or who they choose to be. That’s why when they hear Christian teaching on sexuality and gender, they often see it as a bad thing – it seems to be asking some people to deny who they really are.

But a Christian worldview sees that we are who God says we are. Our desires don’t define us and neither do our decisions. And that’s a good thing – desires are a terrible basis for identity (they change and conflict and can just be bad), and leaving us to decide who we are puts us under huge pressure – what if we get it wrong?

The identity foundation is helpful as we think about sexuality. Our sexual desires don’t define us, and so it’s not true that we need to act on them to be true to ourselves. Who we are is who God says we are and so we find our best life, not by acting on all our desires, but by living as he teaches us to live.

Our children should experience that our love for them and their own worth is not dependent on what they feel or do but on who God says they are

Parenting should help children learn to root their identity in what God says about them, rather than in their feelings or anything else. Our children should experience that our love for them and their own worth is not dependent on what they feel or do but on who God says they are.

As children get older, we can start to talk about how we decide what we let stick from the things our hearts or people around us say. We only let things stick if they match what God says about us. With teenagers we can talk about the cultural narratives on identity that surround us, thinking about what we’re told in things we stream or content we consume. We can help them see that in a world asking ‘Who am I?’, God is the one who can give us the answer we’re longing for.

There are many other worldview foundations that are important – things like authority, freedom, progress and the future. And for each foundation you’ll be able to think of your own ways of helping lay those foundations in the minds and hearts of your children, whatever their age.

As you do this, you’re equipping them to have good conversations about sexuality and gender and to navigate well their questions and feelings as they have their own experiences and hear the perspectives of the world around them. If you want to help your children get God’s perspective on sexuality and gender, start with worldview foundations.

Andrew explores the themes of this article in more depth in his new book Getting God’s Perspective: A Short Christian Introduction to Worldviews, Sexuality and Gender, coming out with IVP this month. Find out more and order your copy at ivpbooks.co.uk