From Fifty Shades to social media, harmful sexual myths are everywhere - Ashleigh Hull encourages Christian parents that their voice—and courage—matter more than ever
Please note this post contains references to violent sexual behaviours and teenage pornography use.
‘Is BDSM OK? No one ever mentions this kind of sexual activity, and I don’t know what to make of it.’
I was asked this question anonymously at a youth event in 2022. That was the year I started speaking publicly about sexuality, and I found Q&As very daunting. I was utterly unprepared for a question like this. Thankfully, I wasn’t on my own at this event, and someone else was able to answer kindly and wisely.
a vast range of graphic sexual acts are now easily available to a curious teenager through the internet portal they all carry in their pockets
I recently found myself thinking about it again, and with my own fears and hangups out of the way, for the first time I really thought about the young person who asked that question. And my heart broke a little.
When I was a teenager, we didn’t know what BDSM was.* But things have changed since then. Fifty Shades of Grey was released in 2011, a popular book (and later a trilogy with movie adaptations) which showcases BDSM. It was hardly the first erotic novel, but the scope of its success was unprecedented. I remember seeing people openly reading it on the train, hearing friends talk about it at university and being surprised that something so undeniably pornographic was so socially accepted.
I have no doubt that every teenager in my youth group knows what BDSM is
I’m not saying that Fifty Shades is the sole cause of a wider cultural awareness of BDSM, but it was significant, and it’s an example of something deeper that’s been happening in our culture over the last couple of decades. The horrible reality is that pornography is even more accessible now than it was when I was a teenager, and a vast range of graphic sexual acts are now easily available to a curious teenager through the internet portal they all carry in their pockets. The average age at which children first see pornography is 13. And it’s not just porn; graphic sexual content is becoming normal, more mainstream, and that includes content involving violence and power games. I have no doubt that every teenager in my youth group knows what BDSM is.
The teenager who asked me about BDSM in 2022 may have been asking out of intellectual curiosity. But perhaps they were regularly reading or watching pornography that showcased BDSM. Perhaps they’d managed to escape porn, but their boyfriend or girlfriend was asking them to engage in these kinds of acts. Perhaps they were the one asking.
Violence is not love
In her book A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century, Louise Perry is writing for a young adult audience. (The book is an excellent adaptation of her also excellent The Case Against the Sexual Revolution). In the chapter ‘Violence is not Love’, Perry discusses the normalisation of BDSM in our culture:
‘The normalisation is glaringly obvious online, where BDSM content, often strangulation-themed, has migrated from niche porn sites, to mainstream porn sites, and now to social media. This includes platforms that advertise themselves as suitable for children aged thirteen and over.’
Violence is seen as a loving sexual behaviour, and our young people don’t even have to hunt down niche porn sites to see it
She then quotes from one of these children, who started seeing strangulation material on Tumblr at the age of fourteen:
‘I’d inadvertently see a lot of pornographic material because accounts would use the hashtags of other popular TV shows or media to bring followers to their porn sites … After my experiences with Tumblr, I felt that choking was normalised as a sexual behaviour. It’s shown as an expression of passion.’
Violence is seen as a loving sexual behaviour, and our young people don’t even have to hunt down niche porn sites to see it.
But violence is not love, says Perry, and, of course, she is right.
Sex is a good gift from a loving God. It is meant to be something that unites two people in a love and intimacy that images the love and intimacy that God longs to share with his people forever. Violence should have no place in it.
Read more:
A gateway to porn or just a nice way to relax? What Christian parents need to know about ASMR
4 steps Christian parents can take to address the issue of p*rn
So, let’s talk
There are foundational things, of course, that can help our young people here – and generally, we’re good at those conversations.
Many of us are good at helping our young people to know their own value. We’re good at talking about how God is love, and love is patient and kind, not envious or proud or dishonouring, not self-seeking. Some of us are even getting good at explaining to them what sex is for. All of these things help a young person when they’re faced with questions or situations involving BDSM. But I don’t think simply laying helpful groundwork and leaving them to it is always enough.
Our young people are faced with a world where violence can be confused with love, where sex is cheap, where it’s a battle to keep their minds untainted by warped views of sexuality, where their own bodies are so easily devalued and misused. We cannot leave them alone in it. We have to meet them, right in the chaotic mess, and help them. We have to talk about this stuff.
we need to get over ourselves. Our young people need us, and the stakes are far too high
Young people need to know that their parents and other trusted adults around them are comfortable talking about sex and sexuality, whatever form the conversation takes. So, we need to be actively starting those conversations, raising questions, creating spaces where they can share their honest thoughts and experiences.
Of course, we need wisdom here. There are some approaches or conversations that would be wildly inappropriate, and we need to be mindful of our young person’s age and maturity. But don’t let those things convince you that you can put off the conversation indefinitely. The ideal is that your voice is the first that your young person hears on this, and to make that happen, you might need to start these conversations sooner than you’d think.
You might feel as I did at that event in 2022, embarrassed and out of your depth with a topic like this. But frankly, we need to get over ourselves. Our young people need us, and the stakes are far too high.
* For those who still don’t, it stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. It is used to describe (theoretically) consensual sexual practices that make use of power and pain.
