Paul Mallard: “Our job as parents is to give our children both roots and wings”

Paul Mallard served as a pastor for 40 years in three different churches. He now works as Director for the West Midlands for the FIEC (Fellowship of Independent Evangelical Churches, UK), supporting churches and their leaders across the region. He’s the author of several books, including Invest Your Disappointments and Heaven: Living with Eternity in View and is this year’s main speaker at Rising Lights (a new Easter event). He and his wife Edrie have four children and eight grandchildren.

Let’s start off with the two-minute version of your life. Where were you born? What have you done in life and where are you now?

I was born in Birmingham to a working-class family. My dad worked nights at Cadbury’s Chocolate Factory. My parents weren’t Christians. When I was 11, I became a Christian through the local church’s children’s work. Later, I studied theology at Cambridge, and by 18 I’d fallen in love with Edrey, who was in my youth group and, funnily enough, went to the same junior school as me. We married, and I started out as a teacher for five years before being called into pastoral ministry. I served as a pastor for 40 years in three different churches. Now I’m semi-retired—I still preach most Sundays, lecture at London Seminary, and work for the FIEC a couple of days a week. We have four children, nine grandchildren, and God willing, a tenth on the way.

My mum never once said she loved me, but I never doubted it—she showed it in everything she did

What was it like growing up? What was the family culture? Was it strict, laissez-faire, creative

It was a home full of love for me and my sister. My dad was a straightforward man, left school at 14 so he wasn’t highly educated. My mum was very sharp but also left school early. There wasn’t a lot of high culture in the house, but there was a lot of love. My mum never once said she loved me, but I never doubted it—she showed it in everything she did. She was an old-fashioned, working-class matriarch—wouldn’t let me in the kitchen, because that’s what mothers did. She just piled on the love. My dad was kind, and because he’d had a very strict father, he set out not to be strict himself. There wasn’t much discipline because it wasn’t needed in that loving environment.

How do you think they influenced you, especially regarding faith?

Neither were Christians when I was growing up, but their values good. They wouldn’t have dreamed of, say, sleeping around, and that shaped me. What influenced me most was their generosity and open-heartedness—they didn’t have much, but whatever they had, they’d share. I grew up knowing I was loved, and that’s the kind of atmosphere you’d expect in a Christian home, but they weren’t believers—at least, not at first.

When I became a Christian, they were hugely supportive. My dad eventually came to faith when I was at university. I gave him a little book, and he wrote to me a few days later saying he’d read it on the way home, and when he got back, he knelt and asked Jesus to be his Saviour. For the last ten years of his life, he was all out for Christ—he loved the Bible, loved the things of God, and lived generously. He died a day short of his 61st birthday, but his humour, kindness, and faith have always stuck with me. My mum and sister also eventually came to faith. My parents never put any obstacles in the way of my faith, and for that, I’m really grateful.

Read more:

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Justin Stuart: “the biggest stage that you will ever stand on is in front of your family”

Josie Soden: “I realised you’re not the same after each child—you’re reborn and remoulded as a mother”

If you could thank your parents for one thing regarding your spiritual journey, what would it be?

They never made fun of my faith or made it hard for me to follow Jesus. When I decided to become a pastor instead of a headmaster—which was my mum’s dream, as I was the first in my family to go to university—she was upset, but never came out against it. She just supported me because that’s what I wanted to do. That support made it much easier for me to follow my calling.

Your wife had a different upbringing. Did that influence your own parenting?

Yes, definitely. My wife was brought up in a strong Christian home. Her father was an elder in the church where I was saved and was known for being strict, both at church and at home. She came into my family and loved the kindness and generosity she found there. That mix of backgrounds shaped how we raised our kids.

With the first child, you’re overwhelmed

Let’s talk about your own family. You have four children—how old are they now?

The oldest is 43, then 41, a daughter who is 38, and our youngest is 33. We have nine grandchildren and, God willing, one more on the way.

What words capture your feelings and thoughts about being a dad?

At the start, the words would be wonder and terror! When you first hold that little baby, it’s amazing and overwhelming. We prayed right there in the delivery room, thanking God. Then you take them home, put them in their cot, and suddenly wonder, “What have we done?” We’d listened to some advice, but nothing really prepares you. I remember listening at night just to make sure they were still breathing. With the first child, you’re overwhelmed; with the second, you’re a bit more confident, but overall wonder and terror, definitely!

You have to let go, or you risk damaging the relationship

How did things change as your children grew, especially into the teenage years?

It’s a big challenge to your faith. There’s anxiety because you look at the world your kids are growing up in, but also a lot of thankfulness and pride as they grow and start making their own way. Discipline problems arose, of course—they’re not perfect—but they were good kids overall, and we didn’t have major battles, even in the teenage years. Letting go is one of the hardest things: you can’t control them forever. Our job as parents is to give them both roots and wings. You have to let go, or you risk damaging the relationship.

What worked well in raising your children in the faith?

When our kids were young, there was more emphasis on law than grace in the churches I grew up in. We were sometimes too strict about things that didn’t matter—like not letting our sons play on swings on Sundays. Looking back, that was a mistake. What did work well was talking to our kids about why we did things and apologising when we got it wrong. We weren’t perfect parents and made mistakes, but we tried to own up to them.

Looking back, I wish I’d made more of that precious time when they were young. You never get it back

We had daily devotions at teatime, tried to make them lively and imaginative. The resources now are brilliant, but back then we just read the Bible and told stories. We made a big deal of the seasons, especially Christmas—carols, the Christmas story, plays at home, and special church services. We prayed with our kids every night. The regret I have is not spending enough quality time with them, I talked with them, but I could have gone deeper. Looking back, I wish I’d made more of that precious time when they were young. You never get it back.

What advice would you give yourself the day before your first child was born?

Parenting is for life. Even as you prepare your child to leave home, your job as a parent isn’t ever really finished. Love is like gravity—it always moves downwards. You’ll love your kids more than they love you, and you only realise how much your own parents loved you when you have children yourself. Love is about sacrifice, not about what you get back. You love your kids not because your kids are good, but because you love them. That’s lifelong, and it’s a reflection of God’s love for us.