Reframing our failures: Good enough parenting is good enough

I grew up in an era where pass and fail were clearly defined. Teachers would liberally use red pen to denote wrong answers (especially in my maths book), and there was no sign of EBI (“even better if”) or just a coloured dot alongside answers that weren’t right. 

There were lots of areas where I had a clear idea of what ‘failure’ looked like. Some were obvious and very black and white (like maths), whereas others were not as clear-cut. 

So, what does success look like in a relationship? My 16-year-old self, probably overly influenced by what I’d seen on screen, likely equated that with constant, heady romance. Nearly 25 years into married life, my version of success looks very different. 

I’d always wanted to be a parent, loved children and young people, and had worked for years in youth work before growing our family. I was a fun auntie, babysitter, and friend to the children in our lives and had learned some things which made me believe I’d be a good parent. As we grew our family—first through adoption—we had weeks of preparation courses and assessments that confirmed to me that we were going to be good parents.

If I’m honest, I was naive about what parenting would actually be like—perhaps even, at times, a little proud of what I would do differently to the people around me, who I perceived made mistakes that I would ‘never’ repeat. I resolved to be consistent, calm, wise, and prayerful. Therefore, I would raise children who were confident, kind, resilient, and faith-filled. Like the woman described in the Bible, my children would rise and call me blessed. 

And yet, here I am introducing a series on failing as a parent—something which I have done, and continue to do, repeatedly. A series rooted in my personal experiences, manifold ‘failures’, and oft-repeated mistakes. I’m not sure that the woman, with great vision and resolve to be a great parent, would approve—or perhaps even believe—that I would have failed to such an extent.