Treating children as a means to an end, or a project to complete is a big temptation - As an antidote, Robin Barfield encourages Christian parents to embrace their children and young people as gifts from God
Life is busy as a parent; dropping off and fetching, washing, cooking, picking dirty clothes off the floor, helping with homework, managing pocket money. It’s enough to fill a CV with transferable skills! I often feel like life is managing a train timetable – everything must happen at just the right point, otherwise the whole system falls apart.
At these moments, we need to remind ourselves that our children are a gift from God.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
Children a reward from him. (Psalm 127:3)
This follows my previous article, where I reminded myself that my children are created. If God has made them, they belong to him; therefore, they are a gift to me. Timothy Sisemore argues, “a thorough understanding of children being gifts from God is the basis for all our interaction with our children and those of others.” We know this from the moment we held them in our hands as tiny babies, but we so quickly forget. Perhaps in the tiredness and busyness of life, as yet again they complain that my cooking is not as good as their mum’s, or they still have not done that one simple task that I need them to do, we lose sight of the gift of their presence.
A gift is undeserved and unearned. God has not given us our children because we are particularly excellent parents. By grace, he has chosen a precious life to include in our families. He has specifically selected this individual to give to you.
Many other cultures and religions throughout world history have only valued children for what they can give, become and do
The gift of children is a uniquely Christian idea. Many other cultures and religions throughout world history have only valued children for what they can give, become and do. Take, for example, the Roman discarding of unwanted babies, the infanticide of female babies in some parts of the world, the treatment of orphans and the enslavement of young boys for hard labour. God’s view of all lives is so very different from this and gives us a perspective on all children, but particularly on our own, in the moments of chaos and the stress of family life.
Take a moment to stop and consider how your life would be different without the children God has given you. How do they bring richness and joy to your life? How would your life be less without them? Hold onto those emotions in the traffic jam, in the bickering and in the moments of combing nits out of their hair!
If children are a gift, they are not primarily there for us to shape and form
This is more than just a therapeutic idea, merely helpful in providing a sense of calm in the maelstrom. It should change how we treat our children. If children are a gift, they are not primarily there for us to shape and form. They will naturally grow up in our likeness, but I have often seen books and courses that regard parenting as a ‘task’ where we set ‘goals’ for our children. It can be very easy to see where other parents live vicariously through their children; I remember seeing a dad berate their 4-year-old because he was not taking football training seriously enough. It can be harder to see this same attitude in myself. But it is when I lose sight of my child as a gift that I start thinking about what I want them to be, rather than accepting the gift of them. God has made them in whatever way he decided was best, and he knows best.
Read more:
7 things for Christian parents to remember - No.1: your child is created
Gavin Calver: “celebrate your children. Too often parents moan about how tiring kids are. But children are a gift from the Lord.”
The fancy word here is ‘instrumentalise’, that our children become people we influence towards a certain end, rather than gifts we appreciate. This can be hard to pick apart in our motives – of course, we want them to be sociable, educated and fit. These are good things, but if we lose sight of the gift that their presence then our parenting can become all about shaping and forming them, rather than appreciating them.
Take a moment now to name your child before the Lord. Thank God for them, for their presence in your life, for the gift they are to you and to your family, for the joy they bring in their personality. Forget about their deficiencies, the niggles of what they are not. Restore this idea to the centre of your parenting. It is a beautiful thing.
