​Why asking for help is not the sign of weakness we think it is and how do it more

We are groomed, over years, to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. A bigger lie: we are groomed, over years, to believe that asking for help will push people away from us. And while we often don’t live on that plane of emotion, our deeper needs of connection and relationship drive us to this (counterproductive) ‘I can do it by myself’ approach.

Here are two counterintuitive truths: 

• Asking for help is a sign of a strong, self-aware leader with a high level of personal awareness.
• When a competent person asks for help, she draws people to her, emotionally, rather than driving them away.

These themes are central to the year-long coaching programme I run for ministry leaders. It’s not uncommon to have a participant unwilling to connect with these realities. In one cohort, a guy made a presentation as part of an element designed to get input from the group. He talked all about his great success and all the amazing things he was doing. When he stopped talking, I asked: “What do you need from us?” He was lost, and uncomfortably said: “I don’t think I need anything.” But that was counter to the entire focus of the programme, and he didn’t return for our second meeting.

These are truths I had to learn myself, over time, through trial and error. Leadership teams I’ve been a part of began to hum as we got truly honest with each other and relied on each other at both personal and vocational levels. I found that people I was leading withdrew from me when I presented an ‘I’ve got it all together’ vibe, but were drawn together (and to me) when I was fully, uncomfortably honest.