Martin Saunders: ‘God’s grace is bigger than anyone’s parenting failures’

Martin Saunders is Deputy Chief Executive of the Christian Youthwork charity Youthscape where he is also Director of Satellites, a summer youth festival.

Martin, can you tell us a little about your own upbringing and faith?

Yeah, I was born into a working-class family, but my parents were part of the home ownership boom in the late 70s and 80s. So, we were not wealthy but not poor either. I wasn’t brought up as a Christian, but I came into contact with a number of churches and Christian groups near where I lived, so I got to see and be around Christians a bit. When I was 14, I met an amazing school’s worker who set out the Gospel in a really clear and logical way – it really made sense to me, and I was convinced on the spot. I went up to him at the end and said “you’ve got yourself a convert”; he thought I was making fun of him!

I’m not saying the way you parent makes no difference, I’m just not convinced by the argument that it is central or primary

Getting involved in the church took a bit of discussion and negotiation because my parents were initially quite suspicious of it, but I ended up getting really involved in a Baptist youth group all through my teens. I had a little wobble at uni, but my first real job was at Premier, and that helped me get back to faith. I edited what was Youthwork Magazine for about ten years and moved to Youthscape in 2013.

What sorts of values and lessons do you think you took from your upbringing?

The old saying that love is spelt t-i-m-e. My mum didn’t work when we were growing up, so she was always around but even my dad always spent a good amount of time with us. We couldn’t afford loads of big holidays or expensive treats but the time my parents invested in us was invaluable.

That’s something that my wife and I have tried to take into our family life. We have four kids aged 11-19 and we both have very busy schedules, so we’ve had to be really deliberate about making time. We work hard but schedule and guard time with our kids.

After nearly two decades what are your thoughts about being a dad?

I think that one thing to say to anyone who is thinking about becoming a parent is that once your first child is born, your time is no longer your own. Even when you get married you still have scope to do what you like to some extent but once you have children your time and money are no longer your own. I don’t say that in a negative way or as a regret, it’s just the reality that you need to recognise and acknowledge. There is a school of thought that says that you shouldn’t and don’t have to let things change and you can still maintain much of your previous life but for me that has never rung true – your life and money are no longer your own.

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As your children have grown into their teenage years, what have you found helpful in terms of faith development and nurture?

We are delighted with where our children are with their faith, but I’m not sure how much our parenting had to do with it. I’m not saying the way you parent makes no difference, I’m just not convinced by the argument that it is central or primary. I’ll mention some things that I think have been important in our family but then come back to my thoughts overall.

You cannot lie to your kids … not over a lifetime

First thing is the truth of the saying that it takes a village - or in this instance a church - to raise a child. We have been blessed to be in churches that have welcomed and included our children. Church community has played a massive role in our life as a family.

Related to that is the huge impact of adults, especially young adults in the life of our children as they have grown. People who are further down the faith journey, sometimes not very much further, willing to informally mentor and demonstrate what it is like to follow Jesus. Obviously, I’m going to fly the flag for youth workers here!

I guess lastly, I’d want to stress the importance of parents authentically modelling faith in the home. So, by that I mean letting them see us living out our faith in the reality of our imperfect world and imperfect selves. I think it is very powerful if parents maintain a coherent self, making sure there is no real difference between who you are at home and in the church – otherwise it will look inauthentic which is a bad witness to them. You cannot lie to your kids, you know, not over a lifetime

We do have some traditions or practices that we do like an annual family Easter service just with us present where we wash each other’s feet, but that was a fairly organic thing that happened and has actually become an authentic expression of the faith within our family.

But as I said earlier on, whilst those would be my reflections on our own family life, I’m still not sold on the extent of the influence of parents at least not to the extent that some people seem to think.

So, what do you think about the influence of parents then?

Well, we haven’t pushed our children towards God. We’ve been very gentle, not enforcing church or youth group attendance. There were periods where our eldest son gratefully accepted the option not to go. He wasn’t really a prodigal, but he definitely stepped away before coming back.

I sometimes I think we place far too much of an emphasis on our role as parents in bringing our young people up in faith. Of course, that’s biblical (that line in Proverbs 22 v 6 about training up a child in the way they should go), but ultimately, it’s the Holy Spirit who convicts hearts (John 16 v 8), not human beings, and that applies to parents and children just as much as to evangelistic conversations in the pub.

The Holy Spirit is the only one who can lead our children to Jesus; in our supporting role we can only do our best and try not to take too much of the blame or the credit

This is exactly what I’ve seen in my eldest son. Having been given a good platform of Christian values and raised in a home where hopefully faith felt natural, not weird, he’s discovered Jesus for himself. Our role wasn’t negligible of course: we could have demonstrated by our own lifestyles or hypocrisy that faith is irrelevant. But I’m also cautious to overstate our part in it: we really did leave the option open for him to walk away from God, and he knew we would still have loved him just as much.

I say that as an encouragement actually! People reading this might feel, as I often have, that they’ve made poor decisions as a parent, or modelled something unhelpful which will end up sending their child spinning away from God. Or perhaps despite their best efforts, they’re currently watching their son or daughter living a life far away from the Christ-centred one they’d hoped they’d grow into. In the kindest way I can say this: it’s not about us. God’s grace is bigger than anyone’s parenting failures, and the Spirit’s power is way stronger than anyone’s parenting successes.

Of course, parenting matters but that impact is not definitive - whether you do everything ‘right’ or the opposite. The Holy Spirit is the only one who can lead our children to Jesus; in our supporting role we can only do our best and try not to take too much of the blame or the credit.