Ryan Frederick: Christian parents need to “say no to good things to say yes to the right things”

Ryan, let’s start with a brief summary of your past

I was born into a Christian household in Northwest Washington in the USA with one brother. My dad was a Baptist minister until I was about five or six, then he became a Christian counsellor and started his own practise. My mum was a Christian high school teacher. I grew up commuting with my mum and brother to school every day.

Even though I was in Christian environments, I wasn’t on a great path. The ‘Christian’ label didn’t mean Christ was central, especially among students. I got into the grunge music scene and mixed with the rough crowd, getting into trouble, sometimes even things on the wrong side of the law. I developed a reputation at school and felt pigeonholed, but God was working on me.

I thank my parents for their unconditional love and presence. I never doubted they loved or supported me

A big turning point came when my mum took a new job and I switched schools for 9th grade. The gospel was really at work in the student body of that new school, you could tell. After my first year there, I went to a Christian camp and got into trouble again, my friends and I smuggled in explosives and blew up a toilet! The camp’s worship leader, who I admired, sat us down and challenged us to “take up your cross and follow Christ.” For the first time, I realised Christ wasn’t just Saviour but Lord as well. God softened my heart, and I bent the knee to him. That day, I got rid of all my old music and decided to follow Jesus.

Around that time, I noticed a girl at school (Selena) who later became my wife. We dated for two years in high school, then two in college. I sold my car, bought a ring and got engaged at 20. We married young and finished college together.

Read more:

Sally Lloyd-Jones: “God chose you specifically for your children and your children for you”

Andy Kind: “Your children are the main characters in your story — you’re just the prologue”

After college, Selena found a job in Switzerland as a horse groom and English tutor, and I went along as a farmhand. I’d been working hard, juggling school and jobs, and when we landed in Switzerland, I became seriously ill. Eventually, I was diagnosed with bacterial endocarditis, a heart infection. I had to have open-heart surgery at 22. Facing death changed me deeply—it forced me to wrestle with God, bitterness, and suffering. But God used it to draw me closer to him. We came back to the US, and I started working in web development and publishing.

Around our ninth anniversary, we started Fierce Marriage - not as experts, but as a couple wanting to point people to Christ in marriage. Over time, it grew into a ministry, publishing house, and conferences for families and men.

What was it like growing up in your household, both generally and in terms of faith?

My parents loved us and were present, but looking back (now that I’m a parent myself), I think it would have been good to have some more overt discipleship and Bible teaching at home. I think my parents (maybe similarly to other parents of that generation) hoped that if they put us in Christian environments, we’d absorb the faith, but in reality, that meant we had to figure a lot of it out on our own. My mum was very encouraging, but I did have to shape my own path to a significant extent. My dad struggled with alcoholism which also made things difficult - he’s now been sober for over a decade, which is a huge blessing.

My parents’ approach forced me to take ownership of my faith and become entrepreneurial, always solving problems and figuring things out

We spent a lot of time together as a family—camping, boating, working. My dad involved us in everything, which taught me to work hard and take responsibility. But spiritually, I had to take ownership of my faith really early on, learning from church and God’s word, so I really see God’s grace in my own story.

What would you thank your parents for?

I’d thank them for their unconditional love and presence. I never doubted they loved or supported me. My dad, even when struggling, was around. The family time and work ethic he taught was valuable, and now I see nothing in God’s plan is wasted. Their approach forced me to take ownership of my faith and become entrepreneurial, always solving problems and figuring things out.

Becoming a father has been the best thing in my life. It’s both hardened and softened me

How has being a dad felt for you?

Becoming a father has been the best thing in my life. It’s both hardened and softened me. It’s made me stronger and more protective, but also more tender-hearted and aware of my responsibility as a steward of their souls. Having kids has changed how I think, work, and lead. Interestingly, I waited almost ten years before having kids, so our marriage was solid, but adding children brought a steep learning curve.

I always tell young parents: whatever issues you have before kids will be amplified after

What challenges have you faced as a parent, and how have you navigated them?

We’ve been blessed with healthy children, but the challenge was more about how to stay married well while parenting. The biggest adjustment was learning not to prioritise the kids over our marriage. We had to figure out rhythms for sleep, responsibilities, and communication. My wife, Selena, worked as an equestrian photographer, but motherhood required her to reorient around the family. That was a big crossroads for us, but she chose to prioritise the home. I always tell young parents: whatever issues you have before kids will be amplified after. So, communicate, communicate, communicate! Men need to step up as communicators and leaders.

Kids grow to care about what you actually care about—not just what you say

What has worked really well for you as parents?

The key for us is to saturate our home in the things of the Lord. Kids grow to care about what you actually care about—not just what you say. We make God’s word central: daily devotions, praying together, repenting openly when we’re wrong. We home educate and centre everything on Christ, letting his truth shape all of life, from maths and science to history and worship. We want family worship and discipleship to be normal for our girls and their friends.

If you could give one piece of advice to yourself before your first child was born, what would it be?

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Be careful about overpacking your schedule—say no to good things to say yes to the right things. I’d also urge myself to craft a family vision statement: know your family’s mission and values. That framework, rooted in seeking and trusting God, will help you make wise decisions in parenting and life.