James Cary: “Parenting has taught me patience, sacrificial love, and intentionality”

James, let’s start with your background. Where did you grow up and what was it like?

I grew up on a dairy farm in Somerset, the youngest of four with three older sisters. Growing up, I often felt like my family had started without me. There are family photos of my older sisters and parents, and then me and my sister kind of showing up in the second family. It’s completely in my head, but it felt like that. I sometimes think being the youngest influences how you see the world—you arrive late to the party and end up observing, commenting, or, in my case, writing. I even asked Ben Elton about this once; he’s also the youngest of four. He didn’t buy my theory, but I still think there’s something to it.

Being the youngest also meant I got to watch whatever my older sisters watched on TV—Cheers and MASH*. That probably explains why I think American television is the natural language of situation comedy. It all subtly shapes you—why you think certain things are funny, why you see life in a particular way.

My mum had great integrity. She always kept her promises, she never said she’d do something she couldn’t, which has profoundly influenced how I parent today

Faith-wise, I had what I’d call an average Judeo-Christian upbringing: christened, occasional church, mum probably keener than dad. My real exposure to faith came when my parents sent me to what I often call a ludicrously Christian school. There, I discovered what Christianity was, what the gospel is, and why it was true—not because of some dramatic conversion experience, but because I thought, “This is true, and I might as well live as if it is.” C.S. Lewis famously called himself the most reluctant convert in all England – I wasn’t quite the opposite of that but it just seemed to fall into place very straightforwardly.

Later, I went to university to study theology. I thought, “If the Bible’s rubbish, it’ll probably come up here.” Despite the efforts of a couple of lecturers, my faith survived. I emerged blinking into the world, ready to try writing, wrestling with my conservative evangelical upbringing while wanting to pursue arts and comedy—a field not exactly revered in that theological tradition.

Were your parents creative in any way?

They weren’t professional artists, but they had a sense of fun. My dad loved public speaking, my mum and dad were prepared to occasionally go on stage for a gag. I’ve definitely inherited traits from them, like my dad’s tendency to take charge reluctantly. I still notice how much I’m like my dad: I’d rather not be in charge, but if it makes things easier, I step up. My mum had great integrity. She always kept her promises, she never said she’d do something she couldn’t, which has profoundly influenced how I parent today.

OK so let’s focus on that impact your parents had on you. How do you think your parents impacted you as a Christian, a comedian, and a writer?

They gave me strong values without being overbearing. They didn’t pressure me into farming, which is just as well because it’s a worse deal than writing! They let me figure out my career and my faith. The Christian school was probably the most important decision they made from a faith perspective. It had a strong ethos – voluntary Wednesday night meetings with a third of the school attending, a genuine focus on character and mission – it was a formative environment for me.

Read more:

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Andrew Stewart-Darling: ‘Cut yourself some slack, be kind to yourself, and be at peace with imperfection’

If you could thank your parents for one thing related to your faith?

Definitely send me to the school, it was utterly transformative. They also never expressing concern that I was “too Christian” as a wide-eyed, naïve, puritanical kid. I appreciate that freedom now more than ever.

Let’s turn to your own parenting. What’s your overall feeling of being a dad?

Love it. Absolutely. I have two girls, which I was happy with—I grew up with three sisters, so I’m comfortable with it. The last ten years haven’t been as career-successful as the previous ten, but that meant I was around more and could even help with home education, though my wife did most of the heavy lifting. I’ve seen them display kindness and empathy, like going out of their way to make a friend’s younger brother feel special on his birthday. Those are moments of immense pride.

I’ve learned that parenting doesn’t happen by accident; it requires deliberate focus and sacrifice

What have been your challenges as a dad?

Honestly, very few. The spiritual nag is always there—I could have done more Bible reading, more family devotionals—but overall, it’s been straightforward. The real challenge is intentionality: making time for your kids, even when life is busy. I’ve learned that parenting doesn’t happen by accident; it requires deliberate focus and sacrifice.

What rules did you prioritise?

Two big ones: obedience and honesty. We taught obedience not through manipulation, but by explaining its importance. Lying was non-negotiable. We were consistent on both those, following them through, and making sure the kids understood why they mattered. We also modelled apologising when wrong and expected them to do the same. My wife and I hold each other accountable too.

Parenting has taught me patience, sacrificial love, and intentionality in ways no other experience has

How do you implement rules without being coercive?

It’s about clarity, consistency, and age-appropriate freedom. We’d give choices when possible, but the core rules—honesty, honouring parents—weren’t negotiable. Discipline is about teaching, not control, and it’s enforced in the moment. Otherwise, delayed enforcement makes the rule seem unreasonable.

Have parenting experiences taught you more about God?

Absolutely. I see in my kids’ eyes reflections of how I look at God. I realise I must withhold certain things temporarily for their growth, just as God does for us. Parenting has taught me patience, sacrificial love, and intentionality in ways no other experience has.

With faith, focus, and love, parenting becomes transformational—for both parent and child

How do modern life and technology impact parenting?

Kids today have instant access to music, shows, and information. Whereas I might have spent years tracking down a song, they find it in seconds. There’s a trade-off—they miss some of the fun of the discovering things, but we share experiences differently, like laughing over Instagram reels together. We need to be careful about screen addiction, but online content can also be a joy we share and do so easily.

If you could give yourself one piece of advice before your first child was born?

Buy hand cream—endless washing wrecks your skin. Seriously get some really good Norwegian moisturiser. Also, remember that you won’t transform overnight. You will still be you. You’ll change over time but it won’t be immediate and if you’re a dad then understand that your bond is different from a mother’s, and that’s okay. You didn’t carry the baby inside you for 9 months – that means your relationship is fundamentally different.

Lastly, I’d say that parenting requires intentionality and time. You have to prioritise it, sometimes at the expense of other things. Accepting the myth that you never have enough time can lead to mere survival. Not being intentional and prioritising parenting means you don’t carve out the time to do things properly which means you’ll continually compromise on your principles and take short cuts you don’t really want to take. With faith, focus, and love, parenting becomes transformational—for both parent and child.