Graham Daniels: Parenting is ‘a long game and of course a game that we ultimately are not in control over’

Graham, let’s start with a bit of your background

OK well whilst I might sound like the most Welsh Welshman you’ve ever met I was actually born in England - my parents adopted me and brought me to Wales. Mum’s first husband had died of cancer and so by the time she’d married again it was late to have children but the Minister’s wife of the local church helped my parents think through adopting and the rest is history. My parents were brilliant, just brilliant. They were so good at being normal. My dad was a steel worker, my mum working in a factory canteen and in those days it took a town to raise a family. And it did. It did raise us, and our upbringing was absolutely brilliant. I cannot remember an unhappy time at all growing up.

And in terms of faith?

Growing up we went to a liberal Welsh speaking baptist church church every Sunday morning and Sunday School in the afternoon and it was a lovely community, great people. It was just normal. It’s what we did. My mum had a living faith, she had a little chair in the corner of the kitchen where she had a radio and a notebook for shopping and so on, and a Bible was there. So, she’d read and memorise Bible verses. We didn’t have a discipline of saying prayers or reading the Bible together but faith did permeate the home nonetheless. I’d say it was ‘cultural Christianity’. This was the1960s and 70s so this wasn’t normal for everyone, but it was for us, the church and faith was in the fabric of our home.

if you wanted to condense my upbringing into a story, that’s it: buy Graham Sugar Puffs and in this world, we will have many troubles. I want to be like that. I want to be good at being normal

How did things develop through your teenage years?

So, by about 14, I didn’t want to go to church anymore but then I had this definitive moment in my life. I was only year 10 but the school cricket team was short of a player, so I found myself going on a long minibus journey to a game on a Monday. This year 13 Gwyon Jenkins, who was a top guy sat next to me because I didn’t know anyone. He was kind. He asked what I’d done at the weekend. I told him and then asked what about you? and he told me that he was at church on Sunday and I said, wow, does your mother still make you go to church? And he, coloured up a little and said, no, I go to church because I follow Jesus. I thought to myself, 45 miles to go and I’m sitting by a maniac! But he was a brilliant athlete, and I was mad on sport and so I was slightly in awe of this older great sporty guy. I went to a few Christian events with him over the years, then when I went off to Cardiff university he wrote to me regularly.

You then move into professional football how did that come about?

I studied philosophy at university partly because I was interested in ideas but also because it had very little contact time so I could play a lot of football. Then, after graduating, I played for Cambridge. I played against my boyhood hero Kevin Keegan, who played for England. He was at Newcastle, they were top of the championship, we were bottom, we lost, but I got a goal, and Keegan was on the same pitch. So it was an amazing day for me, but the anti-climax was immense, thinking, well, if this is it, if this is the best thing ever then what’s the point? And I just I went to a bookshop, bought a Bible, started reading, started buying Christian books and about six months later I became a Christian in that period, so that’s how it happened.

If you could thank your parents for one thing related to your spiritual journey, what would it?

I’ll tell you a story that captures I for me. I was at my parents’ house and my mum was dying. My sister told me she thought I’d not see mum again as she’d die before I came back to Wales, so I should say my goodbyes. So, I went in to say goodbye to her and we just circled around the issue. I was telling her that I loved her and hugged her - I wanted to name the issue but we couldn’t and so I went off. Sure enough my sister called four weeks later and I couldn’t get there in time and my mum died before I saw her again.

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We went back to the house and here’s the story. In her corner chair with her radio and Bible I see her notepad has some writing on it from that morning, really untidy in Welsh. It was dated that day. She’d gone to hospital from that chair, and on her noted pad, in terrible handwriting, she’d written two things. Number one, to my father. This is what I mean by good at being normal “Buy Graham, a big box of Sugar Puffs” This is the day she dies. But the second thing she wrote, and it really captures what they were like. She’d written from John’s Gospel in Welsh “In this world, we will have many troubles but take heart. I’ve overcome the world.” She didn’t quite finish it but that was the last thing she ever wrote. So, if you wanted to condense my upbringing into a story, that’s it: buy Graham Sugar Puffs and in this world, we will have many troubles. I want to be like that. I want to be good at being normal.

Amazing, let’s move on to you your own parenting what are your overriding memories?

Well when our first child, Rhian was born, after I had fainted and come round I remember thinking three things. Firstly was the enormity of holding a new life in your hands, it’s hard to articulate how that feels but I felt an attachment that I had never felt before. Secondly, I thought, we’re a long way from Wales, none of our family were there. And then, relatedly, I thought of our church because they had been amazing. My wife had been in hospital for two weeks and they had visited her and looked after me (I’m a useless cook), they were great to us.

What was your experiences of being a father? What challenges did you face?

Well, no doubt, there were sleepless nights and cuts and bruises and that kind of thing. But I guess that normal is a bit of a catchphrase for me and my family. There were no real dramas and we had a great church family and in those days once you had a contract with a football club and could deal with the pressure then actually you had quite a lot of time on your hands so I could spend time with my family. Who knows why some people have problems and others don’t, but we really didn’t. I guess the social media age had not yet begun and there was no global pandemic, the 1990s were a pretty benign decade so there was really no drama when the children were young.

It’s not over when you reach fifty, your best years could well be to come in witnessing to Christ and modelling Christ to your children

What was your experience of the church, including with your family?

It’s interesting because once we had children I changed focus. I gave a couple of talks at youth group and I loved it and wanted to do more. So I went part time at football and did theological training at the end of which I became pastor of a church plant on the outskirts of Cambridge. We loved it – by the end we had maybe about 100 people with lots of young families but here’s the issue, it’s quite hard for me to determine how the church worked for my kids, because I was making it happen. Also, my wife and I had never seen people raise their children in faith. I did grow up in a brilliant normal culturally Christian household as I’ve said already but, we had no models of what it looked like to maybe be more intentional in raising faith and I think we missed that.

And now your children are adults, and you are a grandfather, how has being a parent changed?

What’s changed is my perspective. When you first have kids, I don’t think you know what a long game it is. I now appreciate that being Christian parents is a very long game indeed. It’s not over when you reach fifty, your best years could well be to come in witnessing to Christ and modelling Christ to your children. You have no idea what’s going to happen in your lifetime. Things might go well for many years and then not or vice versa so be careful about making it too myopic.

What hasn’t changed is the way in which I want faith to always be normal, not something that is difficult to talk about. And those two things are central to me. In helping my three children and their families, I continue to see my role as playing a long game in helping them come to and grow in faith. And I will continue to make faith as normal as I can. And that’s how it works in our family. It’s normal for me to pray at mealtimes, it’s normal for me to send them Bible verses or a Christian book, it’s normal for them to come to church when they stay with us.

with gentleness and respect permeate the culture of your family’s life with Jesus Christ

I’m now quite focused on this. I see Christian parents who have children who aren’t Christians or don’t come to church, and I think it’s treated almost like a secret that you can’t talk about. Testimonies from the front are always amazing stories of transformation rather than ordinary stories of struggle. But it’s a long game and of course a game that we ultimately are not in control over. We don’t know over the scope of a person’s life what God will do. Parents blame themselves but we need to be careful about thinking like that.

There are two things that give me confidence that God knows what he’s doing. Firstly, Matthew 9:38, there’s a harvest and there’s a Lord of the harvest, which is not you. Do not beat yourself, thinking you don’t pray enough or whatever. Secondly, Matthew 10, Jesus sent his disciples. What can you do then as some who is sent? Be good at being normal. Be normal at saying your prayers with your family, whatever age they are. Be normal in reading the Bible. Make it good to be normal that Jesus is a part of everyday life, and respect the fact that for your children, it may not be in the way it is for you, but with gentleness and respect permeate the culture of your family’s life with Jesus Christ.

In addition to his main role as director of Christians in sport, Gaham Daniels is on the staff of St Andrew, the Great in Cambridge, an associate of Ridley Hall and a director of Cambridge United Football Club. He lives in Cambridge with his wife; he has three grown up children and five grandchildren.