Facing the unknowns of high school, Andrea Zanin, from Kids Matter, thinks that families can ride the emotional rollercoaster by staying engaged, listening well and remembering that God holds their children’s future
The pink and purple Disney backpack seemed the perfect size in the shop but resting on the shoulders of my little girl, I thought she might topple over. Excited and scared, she chatted nervously the whole way to her first day at preschool. I related. We walked through a blue gate into a playground bundled with small children trying to decide if they liked it or not – and that was it. She was gone. My husband and I hung around wondering what we should do whilst our little treasure cavorted in the sandpit. Eventually, she helped us out, “Mommy, daddy – why are you still here?” And off she ran – not even a kiss or a hug.
This little girl is now 16 years old and still asking, “Why are you still here?” as she readies herself for A-Levels and a new school.
when your 12-year-old gets on the proverbial bus every morning, they are heading off into the unknown – a space in which you are, increasingly, not the centre
You’d think that the rinse and repeat of five children’s worth of “first days” (including three heading off to secondary school) would make letting go easier. It doesn’t. Maybe it’s a little easier the second time but 16 years of practise does not stop the ache of inevitability as kids grow up and move on. In fact, the back-to-school prep for secondary probably requires the greatest mental agility because: forget school uniforms, stationary, books and lunch boxes – there is the overwhelming reality that when your 12-year-old gets on the proverbial bus every morning, they are heading off into the unknown – a space in which you are, increasingly, not the centre.
The transition to high school means more independence, new influences, less parental visibility. This is life though, right? And our job is to prepare our children for it. So as their world expands and they are confronted with values, ideas, choices and behaviours which may not coincide with the values in our homes, the best thing we can do is not freak out. Entertaining the “what ifs” is enough to send any parent down a rabbit hole of terror. So, top tip: don’t entertain them.
our parenting will naturally adapt – shifting from supervision and protection into guidance, prayer and trust
That said, I’ve spent a good long time in Philippians 4 because London is, well, London – the best and the worst of everything. Which brings me to my next top tip for all Christian parents: God is in control. For me, this is literally the most difficult mindset to grab a hold of but owning it can make all the difference. Just as our kids shift into the new milestone teendom and secondary school, our parenting will naturally adapt – shifting from supervision and protection into guidance, prayer and trust. Not that we weren’t already praying. And, yes, boundaries are absolutely still a thing. But our kids need room to grow – and usually this requires us to, basically, back off a bit. Something that will look different in each family context as we exercise the freedom muscle.
Think about the prodigal son, or Samuel. In the first story, the younger son asks for his inheritance early, essentially rejecting the family. The dad agrees to this (what!?) – and is ready and waiting with forgiveness and acceptance when his son returns with his tail between his legs. Not even one “I told you so.” And Hannah: desperately prayed, even promising to dedicate him to God. When God blessed her with Samuel, she gave him to serve in the temple under Eli after he was weaned. Whilst I can’t even imagine what it took for a mother to hand over her child (even to the Lord) what I learn from this is that my children are not my possessions. I do not own them. But I (we) can steward them and journey through life with them, and also be a soft place to fall when they make a mistake.
parenting is an emotional rollercoaster and parenting teens is that same roller coaster on steroids
How do we, as parents, do this as our time with them becomes less and the influences of the world more? Top tip number three: keep them engaged and keep them talking. Here are some ideas how:
- Be open to disagreement – parenting is an emotional rollercoaster and parenting teens is that same roller coaster on steroids. Because one minute you are winning – you’re sharing jokes and banter, and interesting conversations about life and the world – and the next minute the Kraken emerges because you’ve dared to remind them that it’s their day for dishes and how dare you because… obviously they know and will do they dishes in their own time (they don’t and won’t). This is an actual grown person you’re dealing with whose rebellion might include walking out of the house. You can’t pick your teenage son up and bring him back inside if he goes rogue, like you might pick up your 2-year-old who decides he doesn’t like his bed at nap time. But if you can ride the wave with your teen and keep conversation open, with room for debate and disagreement, then they will know that you can handle the tough questions and (by virtue) the tough situations.
- Join in with what interests them – you might think you have zero interest in how many boyfriends Jen from Snapchat has or YouTube videos of Sidemen or Beta Squad, or how many “creeps” your son destroyed in his latest Dota 2 game but trust me, you do. Why? Because your child does. Let them tell you all about it!
managing teen troubles is way easier with the supernatural peace that transcends all understanding
- Speak regularly about identity – if we know who we are in Christ, the world will not shake us. In theory. In practise, this is always a work in progress because we are human and sinful. But if we (and our kids!) can get as close to owning our role in the Kingdom as children of God and co-heirs with Christ – knowing that our worth and value is not defined by the world but by a heavenly Father – then the world will have a harder time staking its claim on us, and our kids.
- Try not to get offended – don’t take the unkind words that might come your way or even the mistakes your children make personally. Not an easy thing to do when you feel like you’re trying hard or even when you know you’ve messed up in your parenting. But God’s got them. They are His children. He knows our hearts and our worries, and we must release every decision, every influence, every outcome.
There is this incredible scene in The Odyssey (if you haven’t seen Christopher Nolan’s epic – do!) in which Odysseus is floating on a flimsy raft in the middle of the ocean as the sea violently froths and rages, threatening to engulf the story’s hero. It really got me. Because Odysseus – a man of ingenuity, endurance, courage, ambition, perseverance – takes a leap of faith into the ocean, submitting to its devastating, breathtaking force. He’s not even trying to row. It is a visceral example of what it can mean to follow Jesus in life and parenting, where faith and fear collide in a way that you feel in your gut before you can explain it with words.
Read more:
How Christian parents can prepare their kids for a new start this September
God asks us to let go of not only ourselves but the things we care deeply about (our children, for example). Poor Odysseus is at the mercy of petty, jealous, egotistical, pretend Gods, but our God is the real deal. When the adventure of life feels like a roaring ocean and the fear of “what if” threatens to overwhelm, underneath the raft is the hand of Jesus, guiding us through the waters. I don’t have a “how to guide” for getting your kid excited about new people, homework and sports day, staying safe online, dealing with bullies and mean kids, or how ensure your daughter’s skirt is not rolled to high heavens on any given school day – but I do know that managing teen troubles is way easier with the supernatural peace that transcends all understanding.
It’s a journey though, an Odyssey even: with whirlpools and monsters, and also beauty and resilience. Sometimes I feel like I’m sailing through a stormy moment on a raft built by Bear Grylls and other times, I’m Odysseus lying on some ramshackle thing thrown together five haphazard minutes before launch. Through it all, I know this: the little girl with the Disney backpack is now a big girl with an Eminem T-shirt, lip liner and lashes for days – and she was and is always God’s child.
