Kate Orson invites Christian parents to consider the connections they are or could be making with their children and how that will impact behaviour
Anecdotal evidence suggests that parenting is becoming more permissive with parents reacting against authoritarian styles of the past and wanting to take a gentler approach. However, studies have found that children raised permissively have higher rates of school misconduct and lower levels of academic achievement. So, what can parents do to find the middle ground? What if you don’t want to resort to smacking or other kinds of punishment?
Many Christians say that gentle parenting is not biblical, and allowing a child to continue to engage in sinful behaviour without stopping them certainly isn’t. However, done right, gentle parenting can actually be more effective than traditional approaches. So, what is gentle parenting? I would define it as any type of parenting that manages behaviour without using punishment or reward. It’s a connection-based approach.
Humans are connection-seeking creatures. We are built to seek connection with God, and with each other. If you’re the parent of a young child you’ll know that your child seems to want an almost infinite amount of connection that can be challenging to supply sometimes; the baby that won’t fall asleep without you, the toddler that follows you everywhere.
Parenting is most effective when it addresses the feelings that underlie misbehaviour
In a fallen world it’s not easy to fully meet a child’s connection needs, and we also want to foster their independence. However, the problem is that difficult experiences can cause a child to feel disconnected, and need extra connection and time to process feelings of upset. For example, a difficult day at nursery, a medical procedure, or even a dog jumping up can be scary for a young child.
When children are dealing with upset they struggle to think well, and behave well. Parenting is most effective when it addresses the feelings that underlie misbehaviour.
I learnt about connection based parenting through training as a parent educator with an organisation called Hand in Hand parenting. Here’s an example of setting limits gently from one of my parenting colleagues; ‘Astrid.’
Astrid said, ‘’ I was at the supermarket with my daughter, and got her a few sweets, but she kept saying she wanted one more. I told her that she couldn’t have any more. She grabbed the sweets. I put my hand on her hand with the sweets, and said, “No, I’m sorry you can’t have any more sweets. That was enough.” She started screaming. I just kept telling her that I was sorry she couldn’t have any more. I didn’t just grab the sweets away. The funny thing was my daughter wasn’t pulling the packet away either. I really felt that what she wanted more than the sweets was to connect with me. She kept crying.
After ten minutes of crying with both of our hands on the sweets, she started to say through her tears, “You go away with Yuri, you go away with Yuri!” Then I realised what the crying was about. In two days I would be leaving with her brother to go away on a weekend just for the two of us, and she was jealous and upset about it. I explained that yes, I was going to go away with Yuri, and that we needed that time to reconnect, but that another time she and I could go away together too. She cried for a bit longer and then let me take the sweets away.
Lets face it, a toddler having a tantrum is embarrassing, and that’s probably why a lot of gentle parents give in
That’s the amazing thing about setting limits through listening; although my daughter seemed to be crying about sweets she was actually pouring out other emotions about separation from me. When I left for the weekend with Yuri she said goodbye, and she said happily, ‘I know mummy’s coming back.’ I was so glad I was able to set a limit about the sweets, as I could leave her knowing she felt ok.’’
We live in a culture that isn’t that comfortable with emotional expression. Lets face it, a toddler having a tantrum is embarrassing, and that’s probably why a lot of gentle parents give in. But if you hold the limit, and just listen, you might find that you can dig a bit deeper into what was behind the misbehaviour.
Children tend to pick everyday situations to release more complex emotions. Psychologist Aletha Solter calls this the ‘broken-cookie phenomenon.’ A toddler having an upset about their cookie being broken or because they’ve been given the ‘wrong colour cup,’ may be using this moment to process feelings about other more difficult experiences that they can’t find words for. We don’t need to hurriedly grab the right colour cup out of the kitchen cupboard, but instead slow down, and listen.
Parenting like this is what I call ‘investment parenting.’ It might take a little more time than grabbing sweets and putting them back on the shelf quickly, but this investment of time will pay off. Because your child will have processed the upset behind the misbehaviour they are actually more likely to cooperate in the future.
authoritarian Christian parenting styles advocate for immediate obedience in children. But actually this is not biblical
Jesus saw sin as a sickness, saying, “those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.’ Our relationship with Jesus gets nourished through connection; reading his word, spending time with other believers and through prayer. When that connection is strong it can help deter us from sinning. As it is with our heavenly parent, so it is as earthly parents too. The strong connection with our child can help prevent sin in the short and long term.
More authoritarian Christian parenting styles advocate for immediate obedience in children. But actually this is not biblical. When we look at the Bible we see God being patient and connecting with his people. Whether it’s through the warnings the prophets gave in the Old Testament, or through the guidance of the Holy Spirit today, God is patient, so we should strive to be too.
Read more:
Scottie Scheffler is an example for Christian parents on getting priorities right
4 ways to train our children for spiritual battles
What’s your parenting style? Are you a dolphin?
If you want to be gentle, but not permissive, then try this. Set the limit, by ‘bringing’ the limit; move in close, make eye contact, physically intervene with any behaviour you need to stop, (such as taking too many sweets) go slow, and allow feelings. Notice any feelings you have to avoid the feelings, to give in. Listen, with kindness, and empathy. Pray internally if you need to, for Christ to give you the strength, as it can be challenging to listen to children’s upsets!
One more thing to note is your child might actually react with laughter to your limits. Maybe they grab the sweets and run away giggling, or try to pull them out of your hands with a cheeky grin. Laughter is actually another way that emotions are processed - it helps us relax and releases endorphins. Traditionally this may have been seen as ‘disobedient,’ but actually they are processing the feelings behind their disobedience. Turn it into a fun chase game, while holding the limit, whatever gets them laughing actually builds connection. Within a short time you may find your child has soaked up a warm connection with you, and can now think more clearly and understand why a limit needs to be set.
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