5 things that help make a good Christian dad

There’s a lot of talk about dads at the moment. The recent boxing match between Eubank Jnr and Conor Benn resulted in a documentary about the Eubank’s: Like Father Like Son, but, in addition, last week saw the radio mini series Father Figuring by comedian Darren Harriott and also Radio 4s Moral Maze had a fascinating discussion on:  ‘What should we expect from a father?’

After watching and listening to all those here are five things I think Christian dads (and everyone else) should take away.

1. Be there

In Father Figuring there was a big focus on being there, especially for lads. A generation of lost boys, lads with no dads are struggling to know who they are or where they belong because they are not sure what it means to be a man - and one of the reasons is that their dad is not there.

On the programme Sonia Shaljean from the charity Lads Need Dads said that: “you can’t be what you can’t see” and child psychologist Laverne Antrobus adds that some men in the contemporary world don’t believe they bring any value to a family and so leave and are therefore unseen. You can compensate with other men from the wider family and community but the person you learn most from about what it means to be a man is your father. So the starting point for dads is to make sure you turn up. Being there is also the necessary first step for the next three.

relate to your children as a normal human being, be honest and real with them, talk to them, share how you feel about things, say sorry when you need to, it’s not rocket science

2. Be present

Darren Harriett then teases out the difference between being there and being present. His guest Laverne Antrobus zeroed in on the need for dads not only to show up but to be emotionally open or ‘vulnerable’ to their children. We don’t need to get lost in debates about masculinity here. It’s not weird, woke or whatever. It’s basically saying: relate to your children as a normal human being, be honest and real with them, talk to them, share how you feel about things, say sorry when you need to, it’s not rocket science. Your children need a dad who is not only physically there but is connecting with them and for that, dads need to be emotionally, relationally present.

3. Be a man

The Moral Maze included a fascinating discussion on whether the most important thing was dadding (the action) or the dad (the person). One speaker was adamant that the person did not matter - all that mattered was the verb: dadding, and so it did not matter whether it was a woman or a man doing the dadding. Now clearly there is great advantage in having two people helping raise children whatever their gender but there are specific things that boys and girls learn from having a man on the parental team.

In particular the fact that men are on average far stronger and more aggressive - they have lots of testosterone - is important. One thing that means is: girls can see a man who is stronger and more aggressive, nevertheless treating the woman with dignity and respect. Girls that do not see this enter into riskier behaviours, including earlier sexual activity.

this means: “strength with gentleness” and “courage with humility”

On the flip side boys get to see how to treat women well. In Father Figuring, Sonia Shaljean from the charity Lads Need Dads, said that in addition to the emotional presence, lads needed dads to show them what it means to be a man, she emphasised that this means: “strength with gentleness” and “courage with humility.”

One contributor to the moral maze drew out how you can take the word Matrimony to literally mean “Mummy-sheild.” It might all sound very archaic, but it’s really interesting to hear mainstream media having open conversations around these issues - maybe something that ten years ago would have been unlikely.

Of course we live in the sad reality of relational break down and abuse and sometimes children are just not going to be raised by their biological mother and father and there are things that we can do to help and support them in those situations, but that doesn’t mean that we ignore the way in which having a man in the house should change things for the better.

Read more:

Answering your child’s questions: Why is God a Father?

3 helpful qualities for Christian dads to foster this Father’s Day and beyond

Why we need to be careful talking about Father’s Day

4. Be their father

It’s not just about testosterone though. Developing senses of identity and belonging are also linked to actual fathers, not just men.  Think of the series Who Do You Think You Are? People want to know who their parents are/were because they feel it’s a key part of who they are. At a very basic physiological level, they are, in part, you.

One of the issues facing young people today is a sense of having to create their identity from scratch, on a blank sheet - it’s all on them and the pressure is significant. Like a child in front of an amazing menu at a restaurant who can’t choose because there is too much choice, young people today are only too aware that they have choices and choosing one thing means not choosing another thing. Their lives therefore become dominated by risk - the risk of making the wrong choices.

how important it is that fathers love their children not because of what they achieve (or the choices they make) but because of who they are

Fathers have a significant role to play here, they can help their children secure a sense of identity that is not founded on what they do, but on the deep sense of being a child loved by a father. Sonia Shaljean mentions this when she describes how important it is that fathers love their children not because of what they achieve (or the choices they make) but because of who they are.

Again, not all children can be raised by their father and there are things we can do to support in these situations - none of this downplays what we should do when things don’t work out. Equally, none of this is to downplay the role of mother. Indeed one of the speakers on the Moral Maze pointed out that we have as much of a crisis in motherhood as we do in fatherhood, but for different reasons - and that’s a different article!

5. Be their brother

Of course, what none of the TV and radio shows mentioned is that perhaps most importantly as a Christian dad you are your children’s brother. In eternity the earthly family gives way to the heavenly family - eternally you are less their dad and more their brother. This is of ultimate importance when it comes to identity and belonging because you are a picture of the greater thing. Marriage is a sign of the gospel, you as a father are a living representation of God the Father. Yes these signs and representations go wrong, but that doesn’t take away from the truth that part of your role is to show them God the Father, through Jesus our brother.

So, turn up, be present, be strong but gentle, courageous but humble, love your children for who they are not what they do, showing them the way of Jesus and the way to the Father.