I have a confession to make: I dread Mother’s Day

If ever there was a day that highlighted just how much like my mother I am turning into, it’s Mothering Sunday. Because in a family where almost half of us are mother’s, Mother’s Day can’t possibly be all about one mother. 

I dread Mother’s Day. I don’t know if I’ve told anyone that before? I have 3 healthy children, a healthy mother and a living, if slightly less than healthy, mother in law and I think Mother’s Day is a disappointment for all of us.

I dread it because I know I will be a disappointment and I know it will be disappointing

I shouldn’t say that. Mother’s Day is painful enough for those who are no longer mothers or who want to be mothers but aren’t or those who have lost their mother or have a painful relationship with one. What right do I have to also hate Mother’s Day? No, I don’t hate it… I dread it because I know I will be a disappointment and I know it will be disappointing but I also know I’ll have to pretend it’s not disappointing and that I’m not a disappointment to my mother. 

The mother in law

Every year, my husband tells me: “Mother’s Day is really important to my mother because I was born on Mother’s Day.” For some reason, this seems to confuse him when, every year, he is shocked to discover that Mother’s Day isn’t always on his birthday. But it does mean that every year he has the trump card - of all the mothers in the family, his mother is the one we must prioritise on Mother’s Day.

there is no reason for my husband to buy me gifts and run around after me all day - after all, I’m not his mother, I’m his wife

My mother

Also every year, I know I’m not doing enough for my own mother. An over-priced bouquet of flowers and a card just isn’t enough. It’s a day that highlights the massive gap between a mother’s desire to see her grown-up kids as much as possible and the amount of time she actually gets to see her grown-up kids.

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Me

My kids are now teenagers so there is no reason for my husband to buy me gifts and run around after me all day - after all, I’m not his mother, I’m his wife. But teenagers are seriously lacking in the ‘lets treat mum special this year’ department.

So there we have it - I have become my own mother. I want more from my kids than my kids are willing to give. And on this one special day that’s supposed to be about showing love to mothers - there are just too many mothers to go around.

The only bit I love about Mother’s Day is that when I go church, I get flowers. Usually a daffodil or five. Once it was a scented bag of lavender. It’s the one place that always makes the effort to make every woman in the room feel loved and special. So thank you church! From this mother to my mother church, thank you for making me feel loved on the most disappointing day of the year.

Read more:

Mothering Sunday: A chance to celebrate mothers and consider the implications of mothering for mission

Postscript

I’ve had a little time to reflect on what I wrote above. Do you ever find yourself holding something in and it’s only when you actually unpack your thoughts and look at them, that you can then do something about it? As I read about the various frustrations around Mother’s Day, I wonder, which bit can I actually change?

I can change the kind of daughter I am, while I can

I can’t change the fact that my husband was born on Mother’s Day and wants to honour his own mother on Mother’s Day. In fact, that’s probably really nice for them both. Also, I can’t change my teenagers or force them to make Mother’s Day special for me and I would like to be the kind of mother who is grateful and satisfied with whatever her children are willing to give.

I can also focus on the kind of daughter I am, while I can. Maybe I can be the kind of daughter I hope mine will be, when they’re grown and with families of their own? I’m sure there’s a Bible verse somewhere about ‘doing to others as you’d have them do to you…’ (or, the infinitely cooler phrase ‘do as would be done by’). If I have learned one thing from those who have lost or are estranged from their mothers, it’s to appreciate mine while I can, as much as I can.

I wonder, what are your true and honest thoughts about mother’s day, if it’s not too painful to ask? What unmet expectations lie beneath the surface? What are the things you can’t change and need God’s help to accept and what is one thing you can change or control, with God’s help?