When parenting advice doesn’t work: Understanding PDA in autistic children

“Have you tried praying more for your child?” 

“Here, have this Christian parenting book—it really helps with difficult children.” 

If you’re a parent of an autistic child in Christian circles, I can pretty much guarantee that these phrases already bring back memories of awkward and painful conversations. 

And if you’re one of the parents whose autistic child has a profile of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), then you’ve likely heard them a hundredfold—and may not even be attempting to access church anymore. 

For the rest of you reading, give me a moment. Let me reassure you: I am a parent who believes in boundaries and consequences for behaviour. All children need and benefit from them. But neurodivergence is not straightforward and requires nuance. What looks like simple disobedience to the outside observer is often far more complex. 

What is PDA? 

PDA is a form of autism. Autism is a lifelong neurological condition with varying degrees of severity and need for support. Individuals will have difficulty with social interaction and often display restrictive or repetitive patterns of behaviour. Co-occurring sensory sensitivity is also common. 

We’re still in the early days of understanding PDA, but in addition to the usual diagnostic hallmarks of autism, PDA involves an extreme, anxiety-driven need to control the environment. This anxiety is triggered by anything the body perceives as a demand—whether internal or external. 

Internal demands can include everyday necessities like getting up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, using the toilet, or recognising hunger and the need to eat. 

External demands might be a request to come eat breakfast, put on shoes, or complete a school task (if school is even tolerable). 

Any demand can lead to heightened anxiety and potential meltdowns. 

But Doesn’t This Just Sound Like Stubbornness? 

“Wait a minute! That just sounds like a wilful and stubborn child who needs discipline, right? This is just ‘mental health’ gone mad!” 

I was inclined to think so too—until I had my own children and saw the extreme anxiety one of them displayed. That’s when I started learning about PDA.