Robin Barfield encourages parents to consider the way each of their children is uniquely gifted by God
Would it not be great if there were a formula for parenting? Perhaps we could all get our heads together and come up with methods that actually worked! Foolproof plans that deliver our children safely into adulthood. Human beings have been at this parenting thing for thousands of years now. Why have we not developed a better system than our current work-it-out-as-you-go-along approach?
We cannot apply a ‘cookie-cutter’ model and expect uniform shapes and sizes to emerge at the end
After all, we have factories that produce all sorts of foods, clothes, furniture, and vehicles, so can we not have the same for children? Perhaps you have realised the problem: children are people; my last two articles have unpacked this. They are whole human beings, not food, clothes, furniture or vehicles!
More than this, they are uniquely made – no two children are alike. They may have identical DNA, but even identical twins are unique. We cannot apply a ‘cookie-cutter’ model and expect uniform shapes and sizes to emerge at the end.
Perhaps this fills you with dread – the thought that there is no simple answer, no single way where my parenting will be rated ‘good’ if I follow it to the letter. What I want us to realise is that you know your children best. This makes you the expert!
Your children are uniquely gifted, which means they bring the personality, skills, delights, sins, struggles and weaknesses that God has given them to your family. Take a moment to reflect and make notes on your child or children – what is the makeup of their personality that makes them unique and wonderful?
He will provide wisdom for the journey as you accompany your child along the unique road he has placed them on
I have four children of varying ages and very different personalities. That means that we do not parent them in the same way. Different events or words will set one off, but not bother the other. One will be thrilled at an afternoon of tree climbing, another will refuse point-blank. This sometimes leads to the accusation of favouritism – ‘you let them away with way more than me.’ Such challenges are inevitable in parenting; it’s a hard path to navigate.
Sometimes we place fairness before uniqueness to alleviate this accusation. My wife and I both come from scrupulously fair families. Yet, our children have different needs and different hopes and dreams. They have different gifts, which means God will lead them on different paths. They will need different support along those paths. Only one of my children has shown a love for music. It would not make sense to insist on buying musical instruments for all four when I buy them for the one.
We can easily forget this doctrine about our children. A lot of schooling is designed for social conformity. I remember seeing children walking into my assemblies wearing the same clothes and being instructed to walk and sit identically in straight rows. I understand why – it would be chaos otherwise. But I wanted to see their individuality, and it often felt as though that could be lost in a class of 30 children.
Read more:
Remember - Your child is created | Article | NexGen
Remember: Your child is a gift from God | Article | NexGen
Add to this the parental sin of comparison: from the moment our children are born, we compare them with other children – are they big enough, bright enough, talking early enough, walking young enough? We are told what percentile their weight is on, what reading age they should be at, and what other children are getting in their GCSEs. And through all this, we lose sight of the individual giftedness of the child God has given us.
Go back to the notes you made above around the gifts of your child or children. What sort of parenting do they need? And why has God given them you as a parent? Might there be something wonderful about this group of people that God has put together? Of course, we will make mistakes; of course, there will be many times when we feel like we don’t know what we’re doing. We will need wisdom because simple rules will not work. But the wonderful thing is that God has promised to give wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5). He will provide wisdom for the journey as you accompany your child along the unique road he has placed them on.
