Remember: Sin is inside and outside your child

What do you do when your child misbehaves? Let’s say another child has taken their favourite truck and their response is to give their opposing number an almighty whack around the chops. Or you discover that your child is in a group bullying another at school. How do we understand these situations as Christian parents?

I could share many stories and examples of our children being ‘naughty’. For me, it’s the trickiest situation to handle. We all want to respond correctly, not being harsh parents, but also not overly lenient. Having a framework to understand what is going on is very important.

The first step is to recognise that our children are sinful

The first step is to recognise that our children are sinful. The Bible is clear that we are born with sinful tendencies. Our children will make decisions to rebel against God and ignore his ways. We can see that our child should not have reacted with violence or by choosing to oppress another precious individual. This may not be a popular view in some circles and often upsets people, but the Bible speaks clearly that children need Jesus in the same way as adults.

We can however, also recognise the impact of growing up in a broken world

We can however, also recognise the impact of growing up in a broken world, surrounded by hurting people and systematic structures of injustice. We can quickly see that the children in the examples above were reacting to already existing broken circumstances, whether by the failure of an adult to act or by an unhealthy group that they have been caught up in.

Which perspective on sin is more likely to take priority with you? The individual perspective or the structural? Both are true, but we will likely notice one more than the other. In so doing, we can lose sight of one of these equally important truths.

The truth is that our children are sinful and grow up in a broken world

Suppose we focus on the individual, the sin that is inside our children. In that case, we may begin to see every act as sinful and miss the developmental issues or struggles of our child, or even the good they may be desiring when they do not act as we expect. Sometimes we zone in on the act as sinful and miss the common grace that might also be present. Common grace is when, in God’s kindness, we can grasp good things even in a sinful state.

Suppose we focus on the structural, the sin outside of our children, the environment that causes this behaviour. We can end up excusing misbehaviour and explaining it away because of the other child or children, or just getting caught up in the ‘wrong crowd’. This can result in not taking responsibility for their own actions.

We see this in how our world responds to crises and crimes. Often, there’s debate about the individual’s agency (whether they are responsible) or the desperate circumstances they encountered (they are victims of circumstance).

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The truth is that our children are sinful and grow up in a broken world. The broken desires are inside them, and external influences will work against them. Our children are complex, as is our world. This means we should be gentle with them. We have a wise God who will give us wisdom (James 1:5), and a Saviour who understands what it means to be tempted (Hebrews 4:14-16) and to grow up in a broken world. We must remember these truths in each situation we face as parents.

Perhaps stopping at this point may be useful. Reflect on a time recently when your children were ‘naughty’. What was going on there? Where was there sin inside your child and wrong desires? What were the external factors of the broken world that impacted them? How could you hold the two together well? It’s not easy or straightforward, just as it is not easy or straightforward when reflecting on our own mistakes and behaviour. One day, we will see clearly. One day, we will see Jesus face-to-face.