Encouraging youth and children to engage with church isn’t always easy. Darin Stevens has three tips to help Christian parents
As soon-to-be empty nesters, it seems we’ve nearly completed each level of the Christian parent’s “We’re all going to church this Sunday” quest!
We survived the level 1 by the skin of our teeth as Players 1 and 2 (our two daughters) cried their way through church and we wondered why we made the effort to attend in the first place. We seemed to sail through level 2, the primary school years, only occasionally having to battle the ‘It’s sooo boring’ beast. We even managed to avoid the dreaded ‘Game Over’, that many parents of teenagers’ experience during the difficult level 3.
It may be a bit too early to celebrate, but this past Sunday, it felt as if a giant ‘You Win!’ flashed across our faces as we walked back to the car park after church and both Player 1 and Player 2 exclaimed, “We love our church!”
We know the mission isn’t easy. Because my wife and I are also vocational youth ministers, we listen regularly to parents who are struggling to help their children engage with church and feel like giving up. Although there’s no cheat code that will ensure success, we want to share our top three tips for staying in the game and helping your children love the church – and none of them involve pushing buttons that are not on your controller like making the preacher more engaging, the worship livelier, or the biscuit selection more plentiful.
Tip 1: Make connecting with God’s family a priority
Both my wife and I grew up in a unique era – and area – where nearly everyone in town went to church on Sunday mornings. Choosing not to attend wasn’t really an option and, because sports and community groups didn’t meet on Sunday mornings, there wasn’t much competition. But our own children have grown up in a very different culture. At times we’ve wrestled with how to help them attend church because they want to and not just because we tell them they have to.
We know you also want your children to attend church out of desire as opposed to a sense of duty, but in our role as youth leaders, we find ourselves regularly encouraging parents that it’s ok to… parent! Setting the expectation of “on Sunday mornings we go to church” is not the worst thing you can do for them. I suppose we always viewed it in a similar way as our daily dinner routine: around the same sort of time each evening, dinner would start to be prepared, delicious smells would start rising from the kitchen and we would sit down to eat together. Somehow, we never had to force our girls to come to dinner. They knew that food would be served and their stomachs would be satisfied. And although there were exceptions and seasons when we had to shift, along with plenty of times when arguments meant the meal was no picnic, dinner together became our normal family rhythm.
Likewise, our girls understood that Sunday mornings were the time when we gathered to worship, to hear God’s Word and to fellowship with all the weird and wonderful people who are part of God’s family. Sometimes we all were bored! Sometimes the worship wasn’t our favourite. Once in a while we didn’t agree with something that had been said. Most times, that one lovely elderly lady got our name wrong again. But that’s all part of being, well, a real family! And our girls grew to value it (we only wish our efforts to help them enjoy the washing-up had worked out so well!).
Tip 2: Find a mentor for your children
Every teenager needs another Christian adult, who is not their parent, who will meet with them regularly, care for them unconditionally, listen to them intently, and model what it looks like to follow Jesus. This is our top tip. It will sustain you through the tough times and potential seasons when your children can’t, or won’t, attend church.
We have always found an adult like this for our girls. We’ve called them mentors. We’ve called them disciplers. We’ve called them youth volunteers. Whatever you call them, these adults usually say the exact same things we say, but our teens can actually hear them, because it’s not us who are saying it! Also, these adults do not share what our girls share with them, unless they are in danger.
Read more:
When church attendance isn’t simple: Parenting, faith, and the beauty of flexibility
If you’re not sure how to how to find an adult like this, ask your children who they look up to at your church and approach that person. Or find an adult you respect and ask them. People often respond positively when we say, “We see something in you and believe that God can use you in this way. Would you be open to it?”
If no one in your church is quite sure what this looks like or how to get started, we’ve created a simple tool called the Discipleship Pack that requires zero prep time and helps a caring adult map out a series of conversations with a young person or a small group of youth.
Tip 3: Help your teen discover spiritual gifts and serve
Teenagers are not the future of the church. They are the church of today. Other than finding a mentor, we’ve seen that finding a place to serve is the single biggest factor that helps youth stick with church once they leave home.
That’s why we’re always helping youth discover their spiritual gifts through online surveys as well as parent and grandparent feedback forms. However, the best way of learning is always by doing. So, encourage your teens to find out what they enjoy and what they excel at by serving teas and coffees, playing with the worship team, helping out with the children, manning the tech desk or communicating from the front through a prepared video or sermon.
No matter what, we want to tell you what we tell the parents of our youth: “We’re your biggest fans!” If you are already prioritising church, pulling in other caring adults, and pointing your youth toward opportunities to serve, we simply want to encourage you to persevere. You are making a difference, and the Game is not Over!
