1. CATCH 40 SNEAKY WINKS
Sleeping in a church meeting may seem impossible but with a bit of ingenuity it is not. Firstly, make a mask of your own face, and secretly put it on before the meeting starts (alternatively tattoo fake eyes onto your eyelids). Then, record yourself making ‘agreeable’ noises such as, ‘Yes, good point’, and ‘amen’, at random opportunities. Hit play and catch some ZZZZZs.
2. CREATE A ‘CHURCH MEETING BINGO CARD’
Create a few bingo cards with a selection of phrases on (as in the picture). Circulate around the room and wait expectantly for someone to shout ‘HOUSE’ at an inopportune moment.
3. KEEP SUGGESTING DAFT NOTIONS UNTIL THEY ASK YOU TO LEAVE
Obviously it can be tricky to excuse yourself from a meeting, so the other way out is to be so annoying that they kick you out. Keep interjecting with ideas such as ‘But why can’t we baptise people with a gunge tank?’ and ‘Have we considered a sermon series on biblical animals?’
4. CHANNEL YOUR INNER FATHER JACK
In the wonderful sitcom Father Ted, the priests help (drunken) Father Jack get through an important meeting with a secret rule: if you
don’t know the answer to a question, just reply with, ‘That’s an ecumenical matter.’ This seems like a useful principle in dull meetings.
5. ESCAPE
You may need to research this one, but before you go to the meeting, calculate every possible route out of the meeting room, ensuring all windows are open and fire doors unlocked. Then simply create a diversion and disappear out of your chosen exit.
6. STARE
If the worst comes to the worst and there’s no way out, no amusement, and no face masks available - just stare intently at one person (whether they’re talking or not) for a long period of time. At least then you won’t be the only one feeling uncomfortable.