The Cornell Seven case is deeply disturbing — but as Christian parents and carers, it is also a vital opportunity to speak honestly with our children about consent, the dangers of alcohol, and why our bodies are sacred. Becky Hunter-Kelm shares how to start that conversation, whatever the age of your child.
A fraternity house gang-rape case at Cornell University from 2024 was reopened this week, with New York State’s top prosecutor, Attorney General Letitia James, overseeing the investigation.
At this point, I fully get that you may want to snatch your kids’ devices away and lock them away in a Wi-Fi-less cave for a week until this news dies down.
But instead, as Christian parents and carers, we have a responsibility to talk to our older kids about the case, empower both our young women and young men to understand the risks of drinking, and the issue of consent.
The victim, Jane Doe (named anonymously), filed a civil lawsuit against the Ivy League university Cornell, alleging she was plied with alcohol and ketamine, and abused for hours by seven men (now known as the Cornell Seven) at a fraternity house. Horrifyingly, a group chat on Snapchat was used to invite other members of the Chi Phi fraternity to have a ‘free’ sexual encounter with Jane Doe in coarse and vulgar language. She claims that Cornell failed to protect her or to adequately punish the men involved, a claim Cornell rejects.
Older children
If you’re a parent or carer of a pre-teen or teen who has access to the news, it’s understandably disturbing to think of them having access to the details of this case. They may even hear about it at school. That’s why it’s even more important to pull them aside for a cuppa and check in. Start by asking them what they know or have heard, and if they have any questions. Then ensure they understand:
1. What rape means
Based on the Sexual Offences Act 2003, you could explain along the lines of:
Rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another person’s vagina, anus or mouth with their penis, without that person’s consent, and without reasonably believing that they consented. A crime of rape does not require physical violence, visible injury, or physical resistance from the victim.
2. What consent means
Psychologist and author Jennifer Cox defines “consent” as meaning: ”Everybody gets to decide what happens to their own body. We need to be able to say yes or no, or to change our mind at any point. An unconscious person cannot give consent.”
3. The effects of alcohol and drugs
When you drink alcohol, things can start to feel fuzzy and fun. But the more you drink, the more it will slow down your ability to think clearly, which means it’s harder, or even impossible, to make safe choices. You also can’t communicate clearly and can even pass out/become unconscious. A drunk person cannot give consent.
Sharing your own experiences with our teens on these issues is also really powerful. As a mum of boys, when they are older, I will be brave and share stories of unwanted touch in nightclubs when I was at uni, and sexual aggression from drunk guys who were even part of my friend group (not Christian friends). I’ll do this because one day my boys might be 18 and at uni for the first time, and I want them to be the men of God who watch out for their sisters and choose their friends wisely.
Let’s remind our teens/young adults that:
- God’s design for sex is within the sanctity of marriage
- Touch always requires consent (girls, no one has the right to slap your butt, even if you’re joking around; boys, you don’t have the right to, and there is no such thing as ”it’s no big deal”)
- Boys — if the tone in a group chat slides even a little bit towards non-consensual banter, those are not your people; leave
- People can change their minds
- You should never feel under pressure
- No one trustworthy would ever make you feel uncomfortable on purpose
- Trust your gut (and the Holy Spirit) – if you have a bad feeling when you’re out, call a safe person and leave.
Younger children three and up
Learning about body safety and consent starts young. We can talk to our children age-appropriately about consent way before they’re old enough to understand the depravity of sin we see in the news, such as the Cornell Seven case. Jess VanderWier, MA, RP, Child Psychotherapist from Nurtured First, says we can teach our children these body-safety truths:
Private parts — “Your whole body is private, but especially parts covered by a swimsuit (use anatomically correct names) are private and should never be touched by anyone.”
No secrets rule — ”No one should ask you to keep a secret from your parents. If they do, I want you to tell me right away.”
You can always tell me the truth — ”If anyone tells you not to tell me something because you or they will get in trouble or something bad will happen, still tell me. I can always handle the truth, and you won’t be in trouble.”
We can talk to our children age-appropriately about consent way before they’re old enough to understand the depravity of sin we see in the news.
Discipling our young people
I pray for justice and healing for the victim of the Cornell Seven case. I also encourage you as Christian parents and carers not to ignore it, but to face it head-on. It’s part of our responsibility to disciple our children around God’s design for sex and the holiness of our bodies, because we are all made in His image.
Let us also be vigilant in our churches and youth groups for the children in our care. Just this Sunday, an older uncle and new Christian affectionately squeezed the leg of my friend’s 15-year-old daughter while we sat in a circle during a time of sharing. It was not okay. There are many nuances for me in Turkey around the role of elders in this culture, but that doesn’t mean we will not be speaking up and setting boundaries for the man, and making sure all the children in our church feel equipped to say no to unwanted physical touch, even in a second language.
By talking about and modelling consent in our homes and churches, we can play our part in protecting our children from being victims or perpetrators of sexual assault or rape in the future.
When our kids feel consent has always been respected at home, they won’t expect anything less when they are out at a bar dancing with friends at university. And remember, it’s never too late to teach consent.
Nurtured First on Instagram is a great account to follow for more bite-sized guidance.
If you’ve been affected by any of the issues in this article, remember it was not your fault. For further support, you can reach out to Premier Lifeline, a confidential Christian helpline.
