This week is anti-bullying week - Ruth Evans considers what Christian parents can do if their child is being targeted
‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ This saying is now widely recognised as something which is far from the reality which, unfortunately, too many children and young people experience.
There are many reasons I personally find the thought of ‘Anti-bullying week’ an unusual event (we only want bullies to stop for one week? We only want to acknowledge that bullying happens once a year?) but let’s take the opportunity to consider what we, particularly as Christian parents, can do.
What is bullying?
Let us start by acknowledging the sad reality that bullying does happen. Many schools use the ‘STOP’ acronym to define bullying – it is when someone does something unkind to another person ‘Several Times On Purpose’. These unkind things can take various forms: verbal – either name calling or using words to deliberately belittle; physical – ranging from poking right through to punches and worse; emotional – this might be things like deliberate exclusion of a child or young person from a group, in a manner intended to cause hurt; digital – using email/text messaging/social media to deliberately cause hurt/upset.
Unfortunately, some children and young people feel that the way they can most control things around them is by putting someone else down or hurting them
Why do bullies bully?
Unfortunately, some children and young people feel that the way they can most control things around them is by putting someone else down or hurting them. Children who do that so often have other things going on, be that difficult home circumstances, illness, anger, insecurity or other things, and these things are frequently way beyond our control as the parents of ‘not that child’. Children who resort to bullying others need our prayers, often our compassion, and the appropriate (school sanctioned) judgement/consequences.
It is often helpful to remind our children and young people that Jesus knew we would have people who would cause us harm, but he taught “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” (Luke 6:27-28) This is not saying we don’t seek justice and safety for our child but recognises the need in the bully for them to know their need of a Saviour.
Responding to bullying
It is right though that we look for ways we can help of young people who find themselves being bullied, and there are things that we can do.
If a young person in our care mentions that things aren’t great at school that’s our first clue to ask some open questions about what is or is not happening. These need to be gentle and non-judgemental and it is important to try and find out if they have spoken to a trusted adult at their school.
We need to help them to ensure that a significant adult – a class teacher, a head of year or a pastoral manager – in their school knows what is happening. We may well be met with one of the following arguments…
‘Please don’t tell anyone, it will make things worse.’
or
‘They can’t do anything so there’s no point.’
Both of these are legitimate feelings but it is our role as adults to encourage our children or young people that they are not alone, and that even if people can’t do anything specific, they still need to know what is happening so that they can look out for and look after the young people in their care. Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us that there is strength in togetherness!
Read more: Grace vs law? How should Christian parents respond when children are bullied?
If the child of young person is too afraid to report bullying themselves it is our responsibility as parents to ‘go over their head’ and report it ourselves. It may be that staff members in their school have noticed a change, or have seen something happen, and are waiting for us, as parents, to confirm there is a problem. It could be that there is a young person who is causing problems elsewhere and this is another part of evidence for the school to know about. Simply contacting the class teacher, form tutor or pastoral contact (all of which we should have contact details for) might do more to put our minds at ease that allowing concerns to fester. Open and honest dialogue with school staff about our child’s wellbeing is paramount.
What if bullying is online?
It may be that the situation is online/digital and not related to school, in these cases the possibilities in terms of stopping it lean much harder on our shoulders. Maybe you notice that after your child has been reading messages/gaming online that their mood has shifted, maybe you see that their self-esteem levels has changed significantly. Again, we need to raise the question gently (if they haven’t approached us directly first) and guide them to some possible methods of dealing with it.
The first solution here is simply not to respond at all - not reply, not engage, just ignore
Often with cyber-bullying it is much harder to identify the perpetrator but frequently the perpetrator is simply looking for a response. The first solution here is simply not to respond at all - not reply, not engage, just ignore… and screenshot! All messaging related platforms have the option to block and report offensive/intimidating/abusive messages and we can ensure that we do that for our young people. We can ensure that our home/device security settings are as high as possible, and remind young people that they need to treat cyber-bullying in the same way as they would IRL (in real life) – by telling a trusted adult.
But then what? Our child has spoken to us, either they or we have spoken to school staff/reported online, we are assured that whatever is being done can be done… then what?
Leaning into the church family
We must pray for our children and young people, and with them where appropriate, and we should pray with others too. Now I’m not saying we stand up at the front of church and say ‘My child is being bullied,’ but I absolutely think it is right to ask other friends/family in our churches to pray with us for the safety (physical, emotional, spiritual) of our children and young people. Too often we can fall into the trap of ‘I can fix this’ or ‘It’s a school problem, not a church problem’ and we, as adults, forget that we too need that togetherness to help us to help our families.
Keeping the home a safe place
Perhaps most importantly, we continue to make sure that home is where they feel safe, where they feel secure, where they are ‘out of reach’ of the bullies. When our children are at home, we want them to know that they can be honest, they can be real, that it is okay to be hurt/angry/sad, that it is, first and foremost, a place where they are loved, wanted and treasured.
We each know our own children best, and so that will look different in different families, but knowing that home is safe can do wonders for a child who spends their school day feeling left-out or hurt. We have the privilege of reminding our children and young people that who they are is not defined by other children, but by the Creator of the universe, and he says so many amazing things about them.
If they (and you) are in this season, it is not easy, but it is not forever
Maybe you find different affirmations from Scripture and leave them around the house, maybe you start and end each school day saying something to them (or with them, if they don’t find it ‘cringe’!) about their status in the Kingdom of God, maybe you encourage them to read, and read again, Psalm 139, Joshua 1 v 9, Hebrews 13 v 5 and 1 Peter 5 v 7. Maybe you know that music will reach them better – there are some great songs out there designed to encourage and build up: particular shout outs for Philippa Hanna’s ‘I am amazing’, Michael J Tinker’s ‘You’re Loved’, Guvna B’s ‘You never let go’ and Andrew Peterson’s ‘Be kind to yourself’.
Whichever method you know will work best for your child/young person, continue to love them, pray for them and be there for them. If they (and you) are in this season, it is not easy, but it is not forever.
