Autism, meltdowns and shutdowns – practical advice for Christian parents

One of the things that I’ve witnessed several times over the years as the mum of an autistic son are meltdowns. To anyone looking on, these may have looked like temper tantrums. Like a tantrum, there will be tears, shouting, and occasionally hitting (although, in my son’s case, usually only a pillow or cushion gets hit). However, meltdowns are very different to temper tantrums.

Temper tantrums

Temper tantrums are a child’s way of trying to get what they want. This may include trying to stay up later than normal, wanting a new toy when mum or dad has said that they can’t have it, wanting what their sibling has got, etc. If they feel that they’re not getting enough attention they may also use a tantrum to get that attention. After all any attention is better than none at all. The child is in control of the tantrum and will protect themselves, even if they hurt others. During the tantrum, they focus on making sure they’re getting attention and will check to see that the parent or carer is watching. If they’re not, the screams can get louder to gain that attention. The tantrum will stop when they’ve got what they wanted, or they can see that they’re not going to be successful. It is usually young children that have temper tantrums, and they generally grow out of having tantrums as other methods of communication improve.

Meltdowns

Meltdowns on the other hand are an individual’s response to being overwhelmed. This can be due to having too many demands placed on them, sudden changes to plans or routines, sensory overload, etc. Meltdowns are a sign that the child or young person is no longer able to cope in a situation. This is not attention seeking, but a cry of distress. Someone experiencing a meltdown will have a meltdown regardless of whether there is someone else watching. A person experiencing a meltdown will have no control over it, and can sometimes hurt themselves or someone else, even though they don’t mean to.

Neither meltdowns nor shutdowns are bad behaviour and should never be treated as such

While temper tantrums are short lived and end when the child feels that they have been successful, meltdowns will last long after any trigger for the meltdown has been removed. They are not something that disappear with age, although autistic people may learn some strategies over time to help reduce the likelihood of them occurring. This may include recognising what triggers can lead to a meltdown so they can be minimised, having noise cancelling headphones, or, if possible, knowing ahead of time about any changes to routine.

Shutdowns

An autistic person may not always have a meltdown when they’ve been overwhelmed. They, like me, may experience a shutdown. While a meltdown is noisy with tears, shouting and sometimes hitting, a shutdown is very quiet. It is sometimes referred to as a ‘silent meltdown’ and is often harder to spot. However, like with a meltdown, it is a cry of distress (albeit a silent one).

As meltdowns and shutdowns are due to being overwhelmed, the last thing you want is to give more input for the brain to think about

The child or young person may feel like they have no energy. They may retreat to somewhere quiet to recover, or they may find moving impossible. It’s possible that they may even fall asleep. Communication becomes very difficult and often impossible. If the child or young person has previously been joining in with conversations, you might see them slowly becoming quieter as they become more overwhelmed by the social interaction. They may stare blankly and appear that they aren’t taking notice of anything that is happening around them. During a shutdown, the brain is so busy working on recovery that even basic decisions are extremely difficult to make. Like a meltdown, they won’t disappear with age, but, again, learning some strategies can help.

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What you can do

There are some things that you can do to help anyone struggling with a meltdown or shutdown.

• Don’t judge – The child or young person in meltdown or shutdown isn’t being rude or throwing a tantrum. They can’t help it and don’t want to be experiencing it any more than you do. They need your support, not judgement.
• Don’t stare – This is a bit like the previous point. Staring at someone experiencing a meltdown or shutdown will not make it end any quicker! The person themselves may not notice, but anyone who is supporting them will (and that can cause people to feel judged). If you see anyone staring, do ask them to stop and move them away.
• Remove any triggers – If you are able to identify anything that may have caused them to feel overwhelmed, remove it. This could include turning music off, turning lights down/off, moving other people to another room (if possible). Removing the triggers allows the brain to concentrate on recovery.
• Keep input to a minimum – As meltdowns and shutdowns are due to being overwhelmed, the last thing you want is to give more input for the brain to think about. Keep speech to a minimum. Avoid questions, helpful suggestions and requests. Let the child or young person in meltdown or shutdown know you’re there when they feel able to interact, but be guided by them as to when that is.
• Bring refreshments – Meltdowns and shutdowns are exhausting, so it’s a good idea to have a drink and snack ready for the child or young person to have once they have recovered. As meltdowns and shutdowns can last for some time it’s probably best not to make a hot drink as it may be cold by the time they are able to drink it. If someone has been supporting the child or young person, it’s also a good idea to get them a drink, as they may feel pretty exhausted too.
• Pray – Pray for them as they recover. You may not understand how they’re feeling, but God does. he made them and he knows exactly how their brain works and how they are feeling during a meltdown or shutdown. Ask him to help them as they recover, to help you while you support them, and thank him that we’re all wonderfully made in his image.
• Check in with them – Once the meltdown or shutdown has ended and they have recovered enough to answer questions, ask if there is anything that they need. They may need to listen to some music, go for a walk, or use fidget toys. They may also just need to be left alone so they can rest or even sleep. Also, if you don’t live in the same house as them, why not send a quick text message a few days later to see how they’re doing? It will show you care about them.

Neither meltdowns nor shutdowns are bad behaviour and should never be treated as such. As we know from our son, they don’t disappear once a child reaches adulthood either. However, learning what can help him before, during and after one, can make all the difference.

The next time that you see someone shouting, crying or refusing to move, ask yourself, “Could it be a meltdown or a shutdown? How can I offer support to them?”. If in doubt as to what you should do, do what Jesus always did when he was with people. He showed them care, compassion and love. If we do too, we won’t go far wrong!